Its Been Awhile

Ha, Sorry its been since last weekend since I have blogged. I have been alittle busy.

This past weekend I had a 3 day weekend on account of president's day. Which is nice but I seriously don't think the president should get a day of his own. Non in the past and the present deserve it. Maybe presidents like Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln but thats about it.

But this past weekend was okay. More good days than bad.

Friday-I went and got Alix and we spent some time with eachother. I have to say it was nice to just spend some alone time with her because me and her have to almost dig a hole in the ground to be alone. But it was fun. Me and her got very drunk. But it was really fun. My tolerance is extremely low compared to the summer time. Me and Alix finished a fifth and we were both drunk, very drunk. It was nice though to let lose cause I had been very stressed out for about a week and a half and it was relaxing to get drunk with my girlfriend and not care about anything. Needless to say after Friday I woke up with a hang over, extremely sore and satisfied. haha

Saturday-I slept most of the day but later on in the night my best friends Max, Molly, and Jason came over and we all hung around and chilled. Everything was going good, We were all making chicken tacos and talking in my kitchen when I hear my house phone ring and I answer it asuming it was going to be for my dad but it was for me and the voice on the other end wasn't familiar to me at all and they told me that Alix was cheating on me and that she has a picture of another girl that isnt me on her myspace that says "The Girlfriend" and to be honest I was kind of put off by it because I didn't believe it because I have a lot of trust for Alix. What put me off was the fact that someone has the nerve to call me and start drama. The person wouldnt tell me who they were and they wouldn't let me call Alix and tell her about it. So eventually I hung up. But alittle background noise, Alix got her old myspace hacked so I kind of knew that it wasn't true because it was her old myspace they were describing to me but I felt that I had to tell Alix about this because Hello! its about her. So I call her and tell her and she was already stressed as it was and I knew it and I felt bad for having to lay this on her but the thing is people were causing problems and she had no idea. So I call her and I am very nervous because something in my head told me that when I tell Alix about this, that she was going to break up with me because me and Alix have alot of non self inflicted drama in our relationship, Like if me and Alix didn't always have people talking shit we would be a match made in heaven. So I called her and she sounded very down but I told her everything. Then she got off the phone with me and then called me back and said "I don't think we should be together" and when she said that my heart dropped because I knew that this was going to happen. So Alix and I talked it out and we agreed she was going to get what she wanted and we were going to break up. But I have to admit. I have been dating Alix just alittle over a month and my feelings for her are completly unconditional and completly true. I mean I pretty much am in love with her (I haven't told her yet) and so of coarse this made me extremely upset and yeah I am going to admit that even though we agreed to be friends I cried alittle because I felt like I was being punished for other peoples consequences...I felt like fucken Jesus being nailed to the cross for other peoples sins and all the while I didn't care about myself I was actually more or less crying because I was upset that yet again Alix has deal with so much bullshit. I don't get it. Why do people find talking shit and starting drama so much fun? So the rest of the night I spent shielding my urges to cry and be sad. I slept restless too.

Sunday- I got up early before everyone and I smoked a cigarette and I felt ok but I was just really full of anxiety and not to mention I was tired But I spent the whole night wakng up and going back to sleep. So I watched tv for a while and then I thought ok I will text Alix. Well I did and she was stranded in Howell and had been sitting there since 6:30 in the morning so she called me and we talked about some of the shit that had been happening and I have to admit it felt nice to hear her voice. I mean the night before when she broke up with me I knew she did it because she needed time to think and I knew that she didn't care any less. That is probably the one thing I will always be sure about when it comes to Alix, she cares about me. Then after a while we got off the phone and then Jason, Max, Molly and Sarah woke up and left. So Alix came over after being stranded in howell and she was obviously upset about alot of things so she sat dow on my bed and even though we werent dating and she wasnt my girlfriend, I still felt compelled to comfort her like I was her girlfriend. So I did just that. I hugged and helded and let her cry on my shoulder and tried my best to make her smile because even though I wasn't happy, I still wanted to make her happy. I guess thats where my friends say I am wrong when it comes to Alix. They always say that I am to selfless when it comes to Alix and I am because yeah to be honest even though our relationship has been kind of rocky I feel myself more and more falling for her. I know its not good to fall for someone youre in a rocky relationship with but at the same its not me and Alix making the reationship rocky. But I succeeded in making her smile and making her feel better. Alix left after while and when she was on the road to home she called and said that I made her feel a lot better. I am glad that I did because I am not going to lie even though I am secure in my relationship with Alix, I like hearing that I actually do good things for her and that I have the ability to make her happy even when she isnt and that I actually can help her. Talking to her on the phone made me realize that me and Alix can have a solid relationship when other people arent instigating drama. It makes me happy and also very sad to think about because yeah even though I am falling for Alix and I do tell her that I miss her when she isn't around and how much she means to me because more and more everyday she becomes someone that I grow to care for so much, It makes me sad because I always wonder, does Alix feel the same way? I mean she isn't ;acking girlfriend wise but at the same time I am someone who always thinks that I am never good enough. But I dont know I am just beginning to realize how full filled I am ever since I have met her. I am starting to realize that she means the world and more to me. She makes me happy and like she said on Sunday when she came over. I make her happy and that she wouldnt kno what she would do if she hadnt met me. It felt nice hear it because it always lifts my spirits to know that I actually do something good for someone. But sometimes I wished that I could get Alix to not be so afraid to come to me. I have told her time and time again that I am alway going to be on her side and that she can be dead wrong but I will always be there. I just wished she trusted that. I dont know maybe latly I am beginning to understand how much I appreciate Alix and how much indeed I am falling for her. I just hope I am not the only one. So back to the story. Alix called me and said I made her feel better and then she asked if i would be her girlfriend again and of coarse I said "Omg Gladly." Then everyone came back over and we were sitting chillen and Alix came over to see me again for a second and even though she was surrounded by people she didnt like she still sat there with me and spent time with me. That ment so much to the point to were I couldnt stop hugging her. haha we hugged it out for a while before she left. After she left I layed on the couch and watched the new Tool Academy and Alix called me just to say goodnight to me and I am not going to lie that made me feel so happy, cause I missed her alot and the fact that she was the voice I got to hear before I went to bed made me the happiest.

Monday- It was good day so far, I slept, saw Alix for a second and I kind of made her mad because I am dumb and forget myself sometimes. I hope she doesnt hate me forever....

but It is late and I have school in the morning..Goodnight.

What I've Learned and Who I Miss

I haven't posted lately and I am sorry, I have either been busy with school, friends and writing. Which is good that I am writing more because I missed it. I need to start writing and reading more because I have been slacking the past couple months on that. So far the new start of my semester at school is good. I am in a art class and I am not an art person at all. I mean I paint and make collages and do a little sculpting here and there for some stimulations but when it comes to drawing something, Ha yeah I can't do it and if I do, it looks like crap smeared on the street.

It is Wenesday and I haven't seen Alix since last Saturday. It was our one month on Super Bowl Sunday. For as weird as it may sound but it doesn't piss me off or make me sad I haven't seen Alix because I trust her, and I trust that she doesn't have to be around me all the time to make me feel secure, like I really can trust her. But I miss her a lot, I really like being around her and spending time with her. I think I said it best yesterday to my friend. "Alix is the type of person where when I am around her, all my problems and thoughts don't matter because she makes me feel so happy to the point that nothing matters." quote, unquote. I mean I don't know if I do that for her, but she really does that to me. I hope that I get to see her this weekend because it's Valentines day weekend and since I didn't get to see her on our one month it would be a good re-emburstment to see her this weekend. But who knows. Alls I know is I miss her a lot and I think thats good I have the ability to miss her when she isn't around because that just makes me see just how important she is to me. I don't know but alls I know is I want a big hug and kiss from her, that would really ease my heart a little.

Yesterday before school she called me just to tell me to have a good day. I got to say, It made my day and my smile hurt because I really loved hearing her voice and hearing something considerate from someone that I know cares about me. Also yesterday I called her to make sure she was happy and if she was ok with me and her and I was gonna wait to ask her those questions when I saw her next but I don't know exactly when thats going to be so I figured I would just ask on the phone and I think she liked that :).

You know what would really make my life right now? Seeing Alix's smile and hearing her laugh and I also want me a Marlboro Menthol or a Newport. HAHA

Today I have a snow day. Flint got almost 5 inches. Thats a shit ton for one night. I am glad we got a snow day because I needed to get some sleep and also I needed to just sit and chill and get up my own time, shower and relax without a time limit of school or having any obligations. I mean I am a get up and go type of person. I am always down to hang out and go on adventures and try new things and learn new things but sometimes I like to take my mornings slow and smell the roses and remind myself that I am still human and that sometimes I need to slow down and reflect.

But today I hung out with my friends and talked for a while and I got a bunch of new music on my Ipod. I love updating my playlist. It's nice to have new songs and discover newer music. I love music. I love reading about music. I have read a lot of books in my life, I love to read Shakespeare and some of the classics like this year I read the translated version of the Canterbury Tales and I really enjoyed it. But when I go into Barnes & Noble I either go straight to the gay and lesbian section, non-fiction/fiction, Music or History section OR I go straight to the comic books (I am a sucker for Batman). But since I have gotten older my mind has expanded and the authors that use to be my favorite aren't really anymore except for one and that is Ronald Dahl and if you don't know who he is. He wrote Matilda, BFG, Willy Wonka series and Danny the Champion of the World and many more. But I will always love Ronald Dahl's work.

Wow, this blog today is so all over the place, but it's actually kind of nice to be all over the place sometimes.

OH!, I learned a new word the other day that I really like and the word is Sublunary Lovers. It means that when love changes and matures, the lovers change and mature with it. It's basically a word that means adapting to different stages of love. haha.

Today I also learned about an artist that was born in Detroit, Michigan and his name is Ray Johnson and he did mail art. He did paintings, collages and some very unique drawings and to be honest he I found him very interesting and inspirational. He was born in 1927 and he killed himself in 1997. He was 67 years old. He killed himself in such an artist way too. He jumped into a river in New York during January and drowned to death. He Died on January 13th, 1995. I guess his death has everything todo with the number 13. Like his age 6+7=13 and January 13th. But I found him to very interesting. I think I might just end up doing more research on him. I love learning new things. I think thats what keeps me alive.

Wow, I Hate This

"Part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall"-Joshua Radin

*sighs* Tomorrow would be mine and Alix's one month, but she broke up with me yesterday. I cried, she cried, I know she cares, I care about her, she thinks she loves me, and I think I love her. But, I dont know what to do.....I just want to sit and talk it out...

We were suppose to talk today when I saw her but we couldnt because we werent one on one and she asked me to call her tonight and we would talk but I don't know. I am glad I got to see her today, I am really glad because I missed her like crazy, it felt nice to wrap my arms around her again, it really felt nice to kiss her again, it felt nice to hear her say that she missed me, and it feels good that she wants me to call her tonight.

I have so much to say but I don't know where to start. I want to tell her how much I want to be with her and that I promise to make sure that the drama and people coming in between us will stop and that I won't yell or get angry at her again and that she makes me happy and I don't want to lose her, and that I almost love her and that she makes me the happiest I have ever been, and I don't want to lose someone in my life that cares for me as much as I care for her.

But I don't know if saying that will solve anything or convince her that I am not a total piece of shit, But who knows, we may not even get any talking done tonight because we probably won't be a one on one conversation...but I don't know all I can do is hope that maybe the girl I called my girlfriend will be my girlfriend again.

Anxiety Why?

So I have a half day tomorrow and boy do I need it. But in my first and second hour we are having this guy talk to us about Tolerance and Diversity..I have one question...What the fuck are you thinking on making me sit through that..hello I am the gay kid at school..no one understands diversity and tolerance better than the gay kids...for real.

Today I hung out with Jason and Sarah and for like 20 minutes I got to see Alix. Which helped me feel better because I got into a fight with my dad today, which really sucked but I am not gonna get into details about it, It just kind of made me really sad from the already below content day I was having..

I don't what it is about me latly but for the past 3 days I have been in a daze of thoughts and questions and I don't know how exactly I am going to find the solutions or the stopping of my questions and thoughts. I've just had so much on my mind latly that my anxiety is picking up and I haven't had any anxiety feelings in a while because I have found a medium in my life that has made it tolerable to the point of non-exsistence. I think the reason why I feel the way I do is because my emotions are all arye and it won't calm down until saturday. But who knows, I don't, I wish I knew. It just seems that the only thing that helps me feel any kind of security latly is my imagination and Alix and since the past couple days I haven't a whole lot of time with Alix because there seems to be more important things happening in everyone else's lives except mine. Haha. not really.

But I don't know I hope the things in my head are only in my head, but I am beginning to think that maybe there not..and man do I wish a thousand wishes they were just in my head because then I could just vent them out and then move on but haha thats not gonna happen..but whatever, I guess all I can say is.....Welcome back Anxiety..believe me you weren't missed.

I'm Falling

I guess it's true, I am falling, and I am falling fast.

Usually this type of stuff would scare the pants off of me but this time it isn't. I only have 2 things that I am afraid of, and thats...

1. Not being good enough

2. Losing this happiness.

Thats it, but those are two huge things.

So Friday Alix and Nina came over and stayed at my house. I didn't think I was going to see Alix because of her parents but, some how some way my baby figured out. It was really nice though to wake up from my million hour nap to my girlfriend smiling, excited to see me. It made me smile and feel like jumping in the air a shit ton when I got to see her, because honestly I thought me and Alix's streak of seeing eachother everyday was over. But all that matters is I got to see her and sleep next to her and wake up next to her....

Saturday was Alix's little sister birthday so me and Alix woke up at 6 in the morning wide awake, it was fun. Then my sister came home drunk as piss and nina and my sister both were puking but ha me and Alix just sat there in our good moods laughing at the fact that everyone around us was puking. Haha. Then we left my house and I went to Alix's house for her sister's party. It was fun going swimming and chillen in a hot box. Then we got back and had ice cream and cake and I got to meet some more of Alix's family. It was cool to meet them, even though one of her grandmas thought I was a guy, which made me and Alix laugh cause honestly I am not that manly looking. Then while all the festivities were happening out in the living room, me and Alix cooped ourselves in her room and sat and talked. Honestly it is because of the converstaion we had that made me honestly think that shit maybe Alix isn't this big iron shield and that maybe the fighter she is. isn't all, which I am glad because I was glad to see that she was able to let her guard down for 20 minutes and let me see what she holds so dear to her. It made me happy because she trusts me enough. So we just sat and chilled and wrote our quotes on her walls, ate pizza, went to the mall with Eric and went back to her house and sat with her sister and all her little friends and watched them. But while we were down there Alix asked if there was anyone that she hung with that made me feel nervous and I told her yes and she was like well besides Eric and I was like no, and then I asked her the same question and she said 2 people and I understand because I feel the same way about her and Eric but me and Alix talked about him and honestly I don't see him as much of a threat as I use to, which makes me feel more at ease. But then Alix asked me about if I find flirthing cheating and honsestly I didn't know how to answer the question because I never really thought abou t it but, after I thought about it, I don't think its cheating but it hurts my feelings, because when I have a girlfriend, I don't flirt, think, check out or even think about anyone else because they are all I want so there is no need to flirt with other people. But I don't know.

Then me and Alix got on the converstation about how so many people have lied, used and hurt me and her. Again I saw something more in Alix that I usually don't see without having to wipe away some layers of onion and that is that truely, honestly Alix just want something to be true and honest in her life and she doubts so much that I want to be that person, well she doubt me, she just don't believe me but honestly I think seeing her and how she reacts to being hurt makes me want to prove so much more that I am going to break the cycle of assholes and be someone that she look back on and think "yeah, Jude never steered me wrong, she never hurt me, she cared and liked me for who I am." and thats the truth, I do like and care about Alix exactly the way she is, I mean seriously the happiness I feel for her isn't like the happiness I have felt in anyone. I have loved before but she could potentially be a new kind of love. Also Alix admitted that would be crushed if she lost me because I make her so happy. I am not going to lie, all I wanted to do was smile at that moment but I didn't because it was a serious conversation. But It made me feel that even though we have been dating almost a month that I must be doing something right, and when she said that to me the only thing I wanted to do was give her a big kiss and wrap my arms around her and never let go but I didn't because of the 5 little 7-8 year laying on the floor. Haha.

But since that conversation we had last night its been replaying in my head what Alix said and it is making me really understand more and more how much she means to me. I really don't know what I would do if I lost Alix and I know its been almost a month but shit dude its been a month of bliss and since she came in my life has gotten better and keeps getting better the longer she is in it. I am falling for her more and more and to be honest I have had such feelings so fast for someone so quickly. Shouldn't this scare me? because it don't. But alls I know is I haven't seen Alix in 5 hours and I am losing my mind with missing her. I can't wait to give her a kiss and wrap my arms around her because thats the only safety I feel and I miss her when she isn't around me, I miss her a lot now. Alls I know is she has became my world and everything revolving around it, and I am not going to do anything to jepordize what I have with her and indeed everything I say to her and about her is everything good and its everything I mean. When I say I won't hurt her, I won't. When I say I will never do anything to make her not trust me or feel insecure, I mean it completly. I just hope she understands that I am not lying when I say these things.....

Almost

I haven't blogged much this week, and It's not because I've been busy..ok well I've been busy.
But it's Friday and that means its the weekend and DAMN am I happy for it to be here. For some reasons my weekends are just the highlights of my life. Maybe because I am in school and school drags on to long for me now a days. But I got my grades back from this past semester and its was 3 A's, 2 A-'s and 1 B and I am pretty damn proud of myself.

So, Alix, sweet sweet, cute, adorable, beautiful in everyway Alix. If you haven't figured it out, I have come to more conclusions with me and her and the conclusions are she is the best girlfriend I have ever had. I have never met someone who honest to God accepts me for everything I am. I mean seriously, she finds me perfect in everyways and honestly I find her perfect in everyway. Her blunt honest truths, her whitty personality that always has me laughing.....just everything, starting from the inside to the outside. I mean I can honestly see why almost every person that crosses paths with Alix just falls for her. I mean seriously more and more everyday I fall for her, and usually something like this scares the living shit outta of me but not this time, this time I am trusting my emotions and trusting her and I trust that falling for someone is maybe what I need to realize that I am good enough for someone because I am far from insecure, I am not a jelous, controlling bitch who has to be up someones ass 24/7 but I have had only one insecurity my entire life and I don't know where it originated from but its that fact that I never think that I am good enough for anyone, especially my girlfriends, I always think that they can find better. I think the same way with Alix, because it blows my mind away that she thinks I am perfect and I think it blows her mind that I think the same of her too. But honestly I do find Alix to be the best thing that has happened to me in a very long long time. I think that maybe I could fall in love with her, Actually I know I can fall for her. But I am not going to be like the millions of teenagers who say "I love you" the first 2 hours of dating...I am going to make sure that me and her are on the same page before either of us say it. But as of right now me and Alix know we really really like eachother.

Honestly I don't know what I would doing if me and Alix didn't meet. Truth be told, I don't think would be this happy. Alix has become my world and I never say that about any of my girlfriends but she has become my world.

"Baby You Might Want To Scootch Over"

So I had another 3 day weekend because we had exams all last week at school, which I am sure i did good on, but thats besides the point.

So, Friday I had a half day so I went home and pretty much slept until Alix and Nina came and got me because I was staying at Alix's house and it felt nice to have it be just me and Alix for a night without any friends or obligations breathing down our necks, it was just us, talking, cuddling, laughing and just relaxing. We watched the L word for a while but soon Alix fell asleep on my chest and it was so cute to see her all snuggled up on my chest sleeping, it just wanted to kiss her face a million time but I didn't because it would of woke her up and I didn't want to wake her up because she looked way to peaceful. But soon after after I fell asleep and woke up at 8:30 in the morning. But I have to say even though Alix is still a relatively a new girlfriend it usually takes me along time to get use to sleeping, and being around my girlfriends families but with Alix and her family I don't have that problem. Like I feel fine cuddling up next to Alix and going to sleep without a single feeling of awkwardness. It's cool.

Saturday was more eventful but not as enjoyable because me and Alix both felt awkward and for reasons that I am not going to speak of but it wasnt because of eachother it was from outside influences. But we went to a bowling tournament and the mall and well just everywhere. But it was kind of good at one point because me and Alix got to talk about the drama thats been happening with Alix and my ex gf Johnna. Background on me and Johnna, we dated for 2 in a half years, and she controlled, hurt, broke and did everything bad you could possibly do to someones emotions and well Johnna has been starting bullshit with Alix and I am sorry but I don't like it when anyone starts drama but I especially dont like it when its with my girlfriend. But me and Alix got to talk to eachother about the situation and its because of that conversation that it made me realize how important I am to Alix and it also made me feel and realize just how important alix has become to me, like I feel like no matter what happens I feel like Alix is going to be on my side and just the same with me, I am always going to be on Alix's side because there is no way I will let anyone come in and start shit with my gf and get away with it and especially since its my ex, that just makes me even more frusturated because I am not going to let my ex walk all over my gf just because she dated me first, I really don't care who was there first, Alix treats me better than Johnna ever could and there is no way I would ever want to go back to someone like Johnna, my feeling for her vanished the day I realized that the years we dated were nothing but disfunction, and besides there isnt anyone else I want to be with other than Alix because all she has done since she has came into my life is make me the happiest person in the world. But anyways its because of that conversation we had that just makes me feel even more that Alix and I could go far and beyond. But saturday ended well, I got to for the 3rd night in a row (cause Alix stayed at my house on Thursday as well) to sleep next to my baby. It makes me so happy to go to sleep and wake up next to her. It just makes me feel like I don't have to be alone again.

But, today I just slept and hung out with friends and got to see Alix, and I don't it's getting to the point with me and her where me and her miss eachother even after minutes after seeing eachother. I hope this feeling doesn't go away.