What a Whirl

So this past week has been pretty much cool as shit.

Monday we had yet another snow day because of the massives of amounts of ice and snow. Which was pretty cool because that meant that I had a 4 day weekend because I skipped out on Friday because I needed a break. But I ended hanging with Max, Paul, Molly and Jason. But before Molly came over, Max, Jason, Paul and I went up to Weston and played in the playground. It was crazy because there was at last 7 inches of snow covering the ground and there was no path to walk on so we all stan at the entrance of the gate and all of a sudden all 4 of us just start booking it in the snow getting our socks and shoes filled and soak with snow. Now personally I kept thinking "Holy shit, I have smoker lungs, I can't do this" then I realized that I was doing fine and that I felt great (I have realized running is such a great stress reliever). We sprint to this HUGE-MONSTEROUS metal structure with bridge, fireman pole, little random steering wheels, 4 slides and some monkey bars on it. So climb on this playground structure and we see the slides and 1 set of slides are 3 connect and Paul and Max started saying how those slides make there sides hurt because they are really narrow, then out of nowhere Jason goes "Guys go down that slide" and me and Paul were like hell no and then Max just kind of shook his head no and then Jason went down the slide. I kind of wished he would of just down the slide without having to ask any of us cause he ended up going down it anyways and it would of saved me, Paul and Max from looking like pussies. But Jason the entire time was saying dude I'll do it and its not gonna be that bad and he went down it and he was like "guys! that was a pretty chill ride you would like it" and so Max then Paul and I go down the slide indivually. It was funny I use to LOVE the swirly slides when I was younger, I am shocked I denied going down the slide to begin with. Then we all get to bottom and agreed it was a good ride. haha. But like a few minutes later we climb up this huge playground structure and Max goes over to the random steering wheels that playgrounds have and Max was like "what the fuck? why do playground companies put these on here. The playground doesnt look like a rocket or a car why should it have steering wheels?" and we all started laughing and agreed that yeah it is severely random that there are random steering wheels on playgrounds haha. But we all decided to pretend to be on a rocket and me and jason were the navigation center, Max was the commander center and Paul walked back and forth on the brige like the bald guy from Star Trek who does nothing but looks important and...well here is a quote by qoute of what happened.....

sometimes you just gotta pretend you’re aboard a spaceship.
“What’s our ETA for that ship?” -Max
“What’s an ETA?”- Jason
“Estimated time of arrival.”- Max
“OH! about 5 miliseconds…we’re going to hit them.”-Jason
”Speed ahead!”-Max
“It’s on our windshield.”-Jason
“Wipe it!”-Max
“Wiping!”-Jason
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”-Judy

Yeah, it happened. But the night ended good. Tym, John, Molly, Max and Jason came over and we sat around and chilled for a while and chatted it up.

Tuesday- I had a half day and I had a good fast day, mainly for the self inducing of uppers. But it was fun. Nice quick day. Then I came home and took a nap and got up and went to dinner with my Uncle Tom, sister and brother. Then came home and called Tym and John to come over and then soon it became that everyone came over. Max, Molly, Jason, Tym and John and it was rather amazing to finish to nights in a row with my friends just sitting around having good conversation. I wished people now a days would actually talk to eachother for once, instead of texting, phone or computer. I wished people more often would sit down on the porch, a room or at the dinner table or anywhere else and talk and talk about whatever you want. I mean I think its more personal and more knowlegable of what you can learn by talking face to face. But I don't know I like to have good conversation and I am glad that I have friends that I can sit and talk to and not have to worry about anything.

Then today at school was really good. I got all my absent homework turned in and done and got to 3rd hour art and sat with Kaylee, Brianna and Sayde and bullshitted and laughed our asses off. Then 5th hour my choir teacher had no voice so it was good to not have to hear his annoying nerdy voice for once and then I finished the day and came home and watch Cold Case and then randomly Alix called me today. It shocked the shit outta of me that she called, It was a good shock not a bad shock. But It was nice to hear from her. Cause yesterday for some reason I missd her a lot. I mean I am fine we are broken up and I my feelings are starting to lessen, but I miss hanging out with her. I really do. She fun and I consider her one of my best friends.But we talked for a minute then she had to get off, she said she would call me back but in Alix talk that means I'll call you in 5 hours or not at all. But thats fine it cool to hear from her. Then Katie and Travis came over and we all sat around and hung out and I found out that Katie and my EX-GIRLFRIEND Johnna (who I dated for 3 years of my life) hooked up a few days ago. I mean I don't really care its just..wow..didn't think that would hppen. But whatever do what you gotta do, Katie and Johnna don't listen to me anyways. But I went to mall with Katie, Travis, Paul and my niece Madison.

Alls I know is I am loving spending so much time with my friends. I mean me and Max are becoming more like friends instead of just two people in the same friend group. I actually consider Max someone I would gladly stand behind whenever he needs something. Also Molly to, I am seeing more and more that I love hanging with her and just chillen and talkinga and not really doing nothing important just being cool. But needless to say I feel my relationships with all my friend strenghtening. Which is nice. It's always nice to improve.

Bizarred to Being Enlightened

Ha, so today I had yet another snow day. It was good to wake up at 10 this morning and stretch my arms in peace.



Last night was really cool, I was laying in bed at about 9:30 (the usual time I go to sleep) and in walks Katie and Travis. Now Katie and Travis use to work for the tigers and they left me here in Flint all alone without them but I am glad to have them both back here. Travis came back about 3 months ago and Katie has been home for a only a few days but I didn't really understand how much I missed having them in my life all the time until they left and came home. But they both came into my room and I was watching Tool Academy and they both grabbed a part of my bed and made a home and we all layed there and talked and laughed. At one point Katie was laying there and she said "I missed this" and that made me realize like hey I missed this too. I like being able to have friends that I can sit and talk to without having the obligation of doing something that involves spending money or entertaining eachother. Just people who can lay in my bed and call it good enough fun for them. Eventually I drifted off to sleep and they left. I knew they would understand that I am still in school and going to bed early is a must in my life still.



The past couple days I have come to understand just how much I really do love my friends because I mean it seems that no matter what I do or how badly I have messed in present and the past I am always going to have my back bone of friends around. I mean some of my best friends I have known for a long time and only a few of my best friends I have only been with for a short amount of time but, people like Jason, Molly, Michelle, Tym and Katie who have been around in my life along time are the ones who have always stuck by me and my newer best friends like Max, John, John(Tym's bf), Travis and now Alix are the friends that I hope stick around for a long long long time because you can never have to many best friends and you can never give to much love.



So last night I had some bizarre but enlightening dreams. Well the first one was one of the those vauge types of dreams that only last for maybe 30 seconds before you wake up and it started out that I heard my sisters phone go off and for those who dont know I use my sister cell phone probably more than she does, I text my friends more than she does and well I heard it go off and for some reason I knew it was for me so I walked up to it and it was a text from Alix and I open and it read "I Love You Babe" and then I closed the phone and thats when I woke up. Now all dreams have a meaning but what the hell type of meaning is that, ever since me and alix broke up I talk to her for maybe 15 minutes and call it good cause she has her own life and I dont want to bombared her with texts and the fact that I had a dream like that was bizarre.



Well to my more enlightening dream. Ok so there is this girl I sit with in my art class and she is funny and sweet and very cool to sit an hour with and talk to. Well I had a dream I was sitting in art class next to her and she was smiling at me and I felt the smile growing on my face and I don't have any feelings for her at all but in my dream when she was smiling at me I could feel my heart racing like I had feelings for her. In my dream she was telling me a story about how her and her boyfriend broke up because she is tired of him calling her names and making her feel like shit all the time and the entire time I am listening intently and doing my work and then she stops her story and goes "we should hang out this weekend" and I looked up at her and she was still smiling at me and I could feel butterflies in my stomach and I said "sure that would be fun."
Now to clarify again I don't have a crush on this girl but for some reason I keep thinking that maybe in the near future I might. To be honest that kind of scares me in a crazy way.

Improve it

HA, Ok updating now. This past weekend was boring but brought a lot of changes.
I didn't go to school on friday because I finally found a good escuse to miss a day of school without being sick. I know thats bad. But hey I have only missed one other day this year and I am an all A student so there is no harm in that.

Thursday Katie came home. Katie is my other friend who worked and traveled with the tigers (like travis) and she came home finally. It was a nice to see her and holy shit I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her standing in my bedroom doorway. HAHA. I pretty much ambushed her with the biggest hug ever. But Thursday went from seeing a good friend to being very angry. But I will not go into why I was angry. But what I will tell you is that it resulted into me and Alix breaking up for good.

But, me and her are still friends. She sees me as one of her best friends, which was good to find out. To be honest I see her the same way. I'm not depressed that we are broken up, I am not sad and nor am I angry. I am completly happy with it because of the fact that Alix went from being someone who wasn't permanent in my life to being someone more permanent because she is my now my friend. I see friends as more permanent than girlfriends so Alix went from being temporary to being more permanent. Which is good because she is a good person to surround myself around.

So, Basically you guys wont be reading anymore blogs about my relationship with Alix because HA it doesn't exsist anymore. Now I am going to talk about my adventures and experiences I have with all my friends.

But as of finding a new relationship any time soon. I don't know. I like being happy by myself and I know I can be because shit I have always been happy by myself but finding a new relationship I am not sure it that is a possiblitly. It may but maybe not. I guess I got to see what happens or who I meet.

But alls I know is I have to tweek the list I made in Mr. Hall's class (My English Teacher) on the 20 things I do and don't want in a person. But thats the thing about life. If something fails and it doesn't kill you....improve it.

Its Been Awhile

Ha, Sorry its been since last weekend since I have blogged. I have been alittle busy.

This past weekend I had a 3 day weekend on account of president's day. Which is nice but I seriously don't think the president should get a day of his own. Non in the past and the present deserve it. Maybe presidents like Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln but thats about it.

But this past weekend was okay. More good days than bad.

Friday-I went and got Alix and we spent some time with eachother. I have to say it was nice to just spend some alone time with her because me and her have to almost dig a hole in the ground to be alone. But it was fun. Me and her got very drunk. But it was really fun. My tolerance is extremely low compared to the summer time. Me and Alix finished a fifth and we were both drunk, very drunk. It was nice though to let lose cause I had been very stressed out for about a week and a half and it was relaxing to get drunk with my girlfriend and not care about anything. Needless to say after Friday I woke up with a hang over, extremely sore and satisfied. haha

Saturday-I slept most of the day but later on in the night my best friends Max, Molly, and Jason came over and we all hung around and chilled. Everything was going good, We were all making chicken tacos and talking in my kitchen when I hear my house phone ring and I answer it asuming it was going to be for my dad but it was for me and the voice on the other end wasn't familiar to me at all and they told me that Alix was cheating on me and that she has a picture of another girl that isnt me on her myspace that says "The Girlfriend" and to be honest I was kind of put off by it because I didn't believe it because I have a lot of trust for Alix. What put me off was the fact that someone has the nerve to call me and start drama. The person wouldnt tell me who they were and they wouldn't let me call Alix and tell her about it. So eventually I hung up. But alittle background noise, Alix got her old myspace hacked so I kind of knew that it wasn't true because it was her old myspace they were describing to me but I felt that I had to tell Alix about this because Hello! its about her. So I call her and tell her and she was already stressed as it was and I knew it and I felt bad for having to lay this on her but the thing is people were causing problems and she had no idea. So I call her and I am very nervous because something in my head told me that when I tell Alix about this, that she was going to break up with me because me and Alix have alot of non self inflicted drama in our relationship, Like if me and Alix didn't always have people talking shit we would be a match made in heaven. So I called her and she sounded very down but I told her everything. Then she got off the phone with me and then called me back and said "I don't think we should be together" and when she said that my heart dropped because I knew that this was going to happen. So Alix and I talked it out and we agreed she was going to get what she wanted and we were going to break up. But I have to admit. I have been dating Alix just alittle over a month and my feelings for her are completly unconditional and completly true. I mean I pretty much am in love with her (I haven't told her yet) and so of coarse this made me extremely upset and yeah I am going to admit that even though we agreed to be friends I cried alittle because I felt like I was being punished for other peoples consequences...I felt like fucken Jesus being nailed to the cross for other peoples sins and all the while I didn't care about myself I was actually more or less crying because I was upset that yet again Alix has deal with so much bullshit. I don't get it. Why do people find talking shit and starting drama so much fun? So the rest of the night I spent shielding my urges to cry and be sad. I slept restless too.

Sunday- I got up early before everyone and I smoked a cigarette and I felt ok but I was just really full of anxiety and not to mention I was tired But I spent the whole night wakng up and going back to sleep. So I watched tv for a while and then I thought ok I will text Alix. Well I did and she was stranded in Howell and had been sitting there since 6:30 in the morning so she called me and we talked about some of the shit that had been happening and I have to admit it felt nice to hear her voice. I mean the night before when she broke up with me I knew she did it because she needed time to think and I knew that she didn't care any less. That is probably the one thing I will always be sure about when it comes to Alix, she cares about me. Then after a while we got off the phone and then Jason, Max, Molly and Sarah woke up and left. So Alix came over after being stranded in howell and she was obviously upset about alot of things so she sat dow on my bed and even though we werent dating and she wasnt my girlfriend, I still felt compelled to comfort her like I was her girlfriend. So I did just that. I hugged and helded and let her cry on my shoulder and tried my best to make her smile because even though I wasn't happy, I still wanted to make her happy. I guess thats where my friends say I am wrong when it comes to Alix. They always say that I am to selfless when it comes to Alix and I am because yeah to be honest even though our relationship has been kind of rocky I feel myself more and more falling for her. I know its not good to fall for someone youre in a rocky relationship with but at the same its not me and Alix making the reationship rocky. But I succeeded in making her smile and making her feel better. Alix left after while and when she was on the road to home she called and said that I made her feel a lot better. I am glad that I did because I am not going to lie even though I am secure in my relationship with Alix, I like hearing that I actually do good things for her and that I have the ability to make her happy even when she isnt and that I actually can help her. Talking to her on the phone made me realize that me and Alix can have a solid relationship when other people arent instigating drama. It makes me happy and also very sad to think about because yeah even though I am falling for Alix and I do tell her that I miss her when she isn't around and how much she means to me because more and more everyday she becomes someone that I grow to care for so much, It makes me sad because I always wonder, does Alix feel the same way? I mean she isn't ;acking girlfriend wise but at the same time I am someone who always thinks that I am never good enough. But I dont know I am just beginning to realize how full filled I am ever since I have met her. I am starting to realize that she means the world and more to me. She makes me happy and like she said on Sunday when she came over. I make her happy and that she wouldnt kno what she would do if she hadnt met me. It felt nice hear it because it always lifts my spirits to know that I actually do something good for someone. But sometimes I wished that I could get Alix to not be so afraid to come to me. I have told her time and time again that I am alway going to be on her side and that she can be dead wrong but I will always be there. I just wished she trusted that. I dont know maybe latly I am beginning to understand how much I appreciate Alix and how much indeed I am falling for her. I just hope I am not the only one. So back to the story. Alix called me and said I made her feel better and then she asked if i would be her girlfriend again and of coarse I said "Omg Gladly." Then everyone came back over and we were sitting chillen and Alix came over to see me again for a second and even though she was surrounded by people she didnt like she still sat there with me and spent time with me. That ment so much to the point to were I couldnt stop hugging her. haha we hugged it out for a while before she left. After she left I layed on the couch and watched the new Tool Academy and Alix called me just to say goodnight to me and I am not going to lie that made me feel so happy, cause I missed her alot and the fact that she was the voice I got to hear before I went to bed made me the happiest.

Monday- It was good day so far, I slept, saw Alix for a second and I kind of made her mad because I am dumb and forget myself sometimes. I hope she doesnt hate me forever....

but It is late and I have school in the morning..Goodnight.

What I've Learned and Who I Miss

I haven't posted lately and I am sorry, I have either been busy with school, friends and writing. Which is good that I am writing more because I missed it. I need to start writing and reading more because I have been slacking the past couple months on that. So far the new start of my semester at school is good. I am in a art class and I am not an art person at all. I mean I paint and make collages and do a little sculpting here and there for some stimulations but when it comes to drawing something, Ha yeah I can't do it and if I do, it looks like crap smeared on the street.

It is Wenesday and I haven't seen Alix since last Saturday. It was our one month on Super Bowl Sunday. For as weird as it may sound but it doesn't piss me off or make me sad I haven't seen Alix because I trust her, and I trust that she doesn't have to be around me all the time to make me feel secure, like I really can trust her. But I miss her a lot, I really like being around her and spending time with her. I think I said it best yesterday to my friend. "Alix is the type of person where when I am around her, all my problems and thoughts don't matter because she makes me feel so happy to the point that nothing matters." quote, unquote. I mean I don't know if I do that for her, but she really does that to me. I hope that I get to see her this weekend because it's Valentines day weekend and since I didn't get to see her on our one month it would be a good re-emburstment to see her this weekend. But who knows. Alls I know is I miss her a lot and I think thats good I have the ability to miss her when she isn't around because that just makes me see just how important she is to me. I don't know but alls I know is I want a big hug and kiss from her, that would really ease my heart a little.

Yesterday before school she called me just to tell me to have a good day. I got to say, It made my day and my smile hurt because I really loved hearing her voice and hearing something considerate from someone that I know cares about me. Also yesterday I called her to make sure she was happy and if she was ok with me and her and I was gonna wait to ask her those questions when I saw her next but I don't know exactly when thats going to be so I figured I would just ask on the phone and I think she liked that :).

You know what would really make my life right now? Seeing Alix's smile and hearing her laugh and I also want me a Marlboro Menthol or a Newport. HAHA

Today I have a snow day. Flint got almost 5 inches. Thats a shit ton for one night. I am glad we got a snow day because I needed to get some sleep and also I needed to just sit and chill and get up my own time, shower and relax without a time limit of school or having any obligations. I mean I am a get up and go type of person. I am always down to hang out and go on adventures and try new things and learn new things but sometimes I like to take my mornings slow and smell the roses and remind myself that I am still human and that sometimes I need to slow down and reflect.

But today I hung out with my friends and talked for a while and I got a bunch of new music on my Ipod. I love updating my playlist. It's nice to have new songs and discover newer music. I love music. I love reading about music. I have read a lot of books in my life, I love to read Shakespeare and some of the classics like this year I read the translated version of the Canterbury Tales and I really enjoyed it. But when I go into Barnes & Noble I either go straight to the gay and lesbian section, non-fiction/fiction, Music or History section OR I go straight to the comic books (I am a sucker for Batman). But since I have gotten older my mind has expanded and the authors that use to be my favorite aren't really anymore except for one and that is Ronald Dahl and if you don't know who he is. He wrote Matilda, BFG, Willy Wonka series and Danny the Champion of the World and many more. But I will always love Ronald Dahl's work.

Wow, this blog today is so all over the place, but it's actually kind of nice to be all over the place sometimes.

OH!, I learned a new word the other day that I really like and the word is Sublunary Lovers. It means that when love changes and matures, the lovers change and mature with it. It's basically a word that means adapting to different stages of love. haha.

Today I also learned about an artist that was born in Detroit, Michigan and his name is Ray Johnson and he did mail art. He did paintings, collages and some very unique drawings and to be honest he I found him very interesting and inspirational. He was born in 1927 and he killed himself in 1997. He was 67 years old. He killed himself in such an artist way too. He jumped into a river in New York during January and drowned to death. He Died on January 13th, 1995. I guess his death has everything todo with the number 13. Like his age 6+7=13 and January 13th. But I found him to very interesting. I think I might just end up doing more research on him. I love learning new things. I think thats what keeps me alive.

Wow, I Hate This

"Part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall"-Joshua Radin

*sighs* Tomorrow would be mine and Alix's one month, but she broke up with me yesterday. I cried, she cried, I know she cares, I care about her, she thinks she loves me, and I think I love her. But, I dont know what to do.....I just want to sit and talk it out...

We were suppose to talk today when I saw her but we couldnt because we werent one on one and she asked me to call her tonight and we would talk but I don't know. I am glad I got to see her today, I am really glad because I missed her like crazy, it felt nice to wrap my arms around her again, it really felt nice to kiss her again, it felt nice to hear her say that she missed me, and it feels good that she wants me to call her tonight.

I have so much to say but I don't know where to start. I want to tell her how much I want to be with her and that I promise to make sure that the drama and people coming in between us will stop and that I won't yell or get angry at her again and that she makes me happy and I don't want to lose her, and that I almost love her and that she makes me the happiest I have ever been, and I don't want to lose someone in my life that cares for me as much as I care for her.

But I don't know if saying that will solve anything or convince her that I am not a total piece of shit, But who knows, we may not even get any talking done tonight because we probably won't be a one on one conversation...but I don't know all I can do is hope that maybe the girl I called my girlfriend will be my girlfriend again.

Anxiety Why?

So I have a half day tomorrow and boy do I need it. But in my first and second hour we are having this guy talk to us about Tolerance and Diversity..I have one question...What the fuck are you thinking on making me sit through that..hello I am the gay kid at school..no one understands diversity and tolerance better than the gay kids...for real.

Today I hung out with Jason and Sarah and for like 20 minutes I got to see Alix. Which helped me feel better because I got into a fight with my dad today, which really sucked but I am not gonna get into details about it, It just kind of made me really sad from the already below content day I was having..

I don't what it is about me latly but for the past 3 days I have been in a daze of thoughts and questions and I don't know how exactly I am going to find the solutions or the stopping of my questions and thoughts. I've just had so much on my mind latly that my anxiety is picking up and I haven't had any anxiety feelings in a while because I have found a medium in my life that has made it tolerable to the point of non-exsistence. I think the reason why I feel the way I do is because my emotions are all arye and it won't calm down until saturday. But who knows, I don't, I wish I knew. It just seems that the only thing that helps me feel any kind of security latly is my imagination and Alix and since the past couple days I haven't a whole lot of time with Alix because there seems to be more important things happening in everyone else's lives except mine. Haha. not really.

But I don't know I hope the things in my head are only in my head, but I am beginning to think that maybe there not..and man do I wish a thousand wishes they were just in my head because then I could just vent them out and then move on but haha thats not gonna happen..but whatever, I guess all I can say is.....Welcome back Anxiety..believe me you weren't missed.