I'm Falling

I guess it's true, I am falling, and I am falling fast.

Usually this type of stuff would scare the pants off of me but this time it isn't. I only have 2 things that I am afraid of, and thats...

1. Not being good enough

2. Losing this happiness.

Thats it, but those are two huge things.

So Friday Alix and Nina came over and stayed at my house. I didn't think I was going to see Alix because of her parents but, some how some way my baby figured out. It was really nice though to wake up from my million hour nap to my girlfriend smiling, excited to see me. It made me smile and feel like jumping in the air a shit ton when I got to see her, because honestly I thought me and Alix's streak of seeing eachother everyday was over. But all that matters is I got to see her and sleep next to her and wake up next to her....

Saturday was Alix's little sister birthday so me and Alix woke up at 6 in the morning wide awake, it was fun. Then my sister came home drunk as piss and nina and my sister both were puking but ha me and Alix just sat there in our good moods laughing at the fact that everyone around us was puking. Haha. Then we left my house and I went to Alix's house for her sister's party. It was fun going swimming and chillen in a hot box. Then we got back and had ice cream and cake and I got to meet some more of Alix's family. It was cool to meet them, even though one of her grandmas thought I was a guy, which made me and Alix laugh cause honestly I am not that manly looking. Then while all the festivities were happening out in the living room, me and Alix cooped ourselves in her room and sat and talked. Honestly it is because of the converstaion we had that made me honestly think that shit maybe Alix isn't this big iron shield and that maybe the fighter she is. isn't all, which I am glad because I was glad to see that she was able to let her guard down for 20 minutes and let me see what she holds so dear to her. It made me happy because she trusts me enough. So we just sat and chilled and wrote our quotes on her walls, ate pizza, went to the mall with Eric and went back to her house and sat with her sister and all her little friends and watched them. But while we were down there Alix asked if there was anyone that she hung with that made me feel nervous and I told her yes and she was like well besides Eric and I was like no, and then I asked her the same question and she said 2 people and I understand because I feel the same way about her and Eric but me and Alix talked about him and honestly I don't see him as much of a threat as I use to, which makes me feel more at ease. But then Alix asked me about if I find flirthing cheating and honsestly I didn't know how to answer the question because I never really thought abou t it but, after I thought about it, I don't think its cheating but it hurts my feelings, because when I have a girlfriend, I don't flirt, think, check out or even think about anyone else because they are all I want so there is no need to flirt with other people. But I don't know.

Then me and Alix got on the converstation about how so many people have lied, used and hurt me and her. Again I saw something more in Alix that I usually don't see without having to wipe away some layers of onion and that is that truely, honestly Alix just want something to be true and honest in her life and she doubts so much that I want to be that person, well she doubt me, she just don't believe me but honestly I think seeing her and how she reacts to being hurt makes me want to prove so much more that I am going to break the cycle of assholes and be someone that she look back on and think "yeah, Jude never steered me wrong, she never hurt me, she cared and liked me for who I am." and thats the truth, I do like and care about Alix exactly the way she is, I mean seriously the happiness I feel for her isn't like the happiness I have felt in anyone. I have loved before but she could potentially be a new kind of love. Also Alix admitted that would be crushed if she lost me because I make her so happy. I am not going to lie, all I wanted to do was smile at that moment but I didn't because it was a serious conversation. But It made me feel that even though we have been dating almost a month that I must be doing something right, and when she said that to me the only thing I wanted to do was give her a big kiss and wrap my arms around her and never let go but I didn't because of the 5 little 7-8 year laying on the floor. Haha.

But since that conversation we had last night its been replaying in my head what Alix said and it is making me really understand more and more how much she means to me. I really don't know what I would do if I lost Alix and I know its been almost a month but shit dude its been a month of bliss and since she came in my life has gotten better and keeps getting better the longer she is in it. I am falling for her more and more and to be honest I have had such feelings so fast for someone so quickly. Shouldn't this scare me? because it don't. But alls I know is I haven't seen Alix in 5 hours and I am losing my mind with missing her. I can't wait to give her a kiss and wrap my arms around her because thats the only safety I feel and I miss her when she isn't around me, I miss her a lot now. Alls I know is she has became my world and everything revolving around it, and I am not going to do anything to jepordize what I have with her and indeed everything I say to her and about her is everything good and its everything I mean. When I say I won't hurt her, I won't. When I say I will never do anything to make her not trust me or feel insecure, I mean it completly. I just hope she understands that I am not lying when I say these things.....

Almost

I haven't blogged much this week, and It's not because I've been busy..ok well I've been busy.
But it's Friday and that means its the weekend and DAMN am I happy for it to be here. For some reasons my weekends are just the highlights of my life. Maybe because I am in school and school drags on to long for me now a days. But I got my grades back from this past semester and its was 3 A's, 2 A-'s and 1 B and I am pretty damn proud of myself.

So, Alix, sweet sweet, cute, adorable, beautiful in everyway Alix. If you haven't figured it out, I have come to more conclusions with me and her and the conclusions are she is the best girlfriend I have ever had. I have never met someone who honest to God accepts me for everything I am. I mean seriously, she finds me perfect in everyways and honestly I find her perfect in everyway. Her blunt honest truths, her whitty personality that always has me laughing.....just everything, starting from the inside to the outside. I mean I can honestly see why almost every person that crosses paths with Alix just falls for her. I mean seriously more and more everyday I fall for her, and usually something like this scares the living shit outta of me but not this time, this time I am trusting my emotions and trusting her and I trust that falling for someone is maybe what I need to realize that I am good enough for someone because I am far from insecure, I am not a jelous, controlling bitch who has to be up someones ass 24/7 but I have had only one insecurity my entire life and I don't know where it originated from but its that fact that I never think that I am good enough for anyone, especially my girlfriends, I always think that they can find better. I think the same way with Alix, because it blows my mind away that she thinks I am perfect and I think it blows her mind that I think the same of her too. But honestly I do find Alix to be the best thing that has happened to me in a very long long time. I think that maybe I could fall in love with her, Actually I know I can fall for her. But I am not going to be like the millions of teenagers who say "I love you" the first 2 hours of dating...I am going to make sure that me and her are on the same page before either of us say it. But as of right now me and Alix know we really really like eachother.

Honestly I don't know what I would doing if me and Alix didn't meet. Truth be told, I don't think would be this happy. Alix has become my world and I never say that about any of my girlfriends but she has become my world.

"Baby You Might Want To Scootch Over"

So I had another 3 day weekend because we had exams all last week at school, which I am sure i did good on, but thats besides the point.

So, Friday I had a half day so I went home and pretty much slept until Alix and Nina came and got me because I was staying at Alix's house and it felt nice to have it be just me and Alix for a night without any friends or obligations breathing down our necks, it was just us, talking, cuddling, laughing and just relaxing. We watched the L word for a while but soon Alix fell asleep on my chest and it was so cute to see her all snuggled up on my chest sleeping, it just wanted to kiss her face a million time but I didn't because it would of woke her up and I didn't want to wake her up because she looked way to peaceful. But soon after after I fell asleep and woke up at 8:30 in the morning. But I have to say even though Alix is still a relatively a new girlfriend it usually takes me along time to get use to sleeping, and being around my girlfriends families but with Alix and her family I don't have that problem. Like I feel fine cuddling up next to Alix and going to sleep without a single feeling of awkwardness. It's cool.

Saturday was more eventful but not as enjoyable because me and Alix both felt awkward and for reasons that I am not going to speak of but it wasnt because of eachother it was from outside influences. But we went to a bowling tournament and the mall and well just everywhere. But it was kind of good at one point because me and Alix got to talk about the drama thats been happening with Alix and my ex gf Johnna. Background on me and Johnna, we dated for 2 in a half years, and she controlled, hurt, broke and did everything bad you could possibly do to someones emotions and well Johnna has been starting bullshit with Alix and I am sorry but I don't like it when anyone starts drama but I especially dont like it when its with my girlfriend. But me and Alix got to talk to eachother about the situation and its because of that conversation that it made me realize how important I am to Alix and it also made me feel and realize just how important alix has become to me, like I feel like no matter what happens I feel like Alix is going to be on my side and just the same with me, I am always going to be on Alix's side because there is no way I will let anyone come in and start shit with my gf and get away with it and especially since its my ex, that just makes me even more frusturated because I am not going to let my ex walk all over my gf just because she dated me first, I really don't care who was there first, Alix treats me better than Johnna ever could and there is no way I would ever want to go back to someone like Johnna, my feeling for her vanished the day I realized that the years we dated were nothing but disfunction, and besides there isnt anyone else I want to be with other than Alix because all she has done since she has came into my life is make me the happiest person in the world. But anyways its because of that conversation we had that just makes me feel even more that Alix and I could go far and beyond. But saturday ended well, I got to for the 3rd night in a row (cause Alix stayed at my house on Thursday as well) to sleep next to my baby. It makes me so happy to go to sleep and wake up next to her. It just makes me feel like I don't have to be alone again.

But, today I just slept and hung out with friends and got to see Alix, and I don't it's getting to the point with me and her where me and her miss eachother even after minutes after seeing eachother. I hope this feeling doesn't go away.

A quck goodnight

So, ok I have to full conclusions

I am going to spend a long time with Alix and you know something like this would scare me but it doesn't. I feel as fearless as the day I was born.

I am happy and extremely satisfied with everything.

I wouldnt hurt Alix and she wouldn't hurt me and for some reason I trust her. So Needless to say..
I am sitting here with this last remaining thought for the day and I am thinking that maybe for once I have found a girl who really REALLY cares about me and in return I really REALLY care about her and I am not going to do anything to lose Alix and I will do what I can to make her happy in everyway..no matter what...

"Woof, Coof, Foof"

So, let me ask. Have you ever had a weekend that just was so full of happiness and excitment that you know you will remember for the rest of your life?

Well, I had one of those weekends just this past one.

Now I am not going to reveal crazy details because what stays in my circle never leaves my friend circle. But all I can say is Oh My GAWD! what a great weekend, and its even more perfect at the fact that its exams at school this week. I needed a weekend of greatness and I got it.

Ok so updating on how I was excited to see what it was like to be around Alix in her envirorment (her house). Well, a lot of things make sense. I got to meet her family get to know what she sees and what she lives like. Well one of the better parts of Friday was getting to know Alix's little sister Mac. I really got see what kind of relationship that Alix and her little sister have in real life. Like I have heard stories and seen crazy pictures of her sister with pretzel piercings but that doesn't compared to actually seeing it. It made me happy to see Alix happy around someone that wasn't me or her friends but one of her family members. It kind of reminds me of me and my older sister's relationship. Which made me happy that there is one more thing that me and Alix have one more thing we have in common. One more thing we can relate to. Which is cool because I have dated a lot girls who were either an only child or they just weren't close to thier siblings at all. But I just saw some what of the same bond in Alix and Mac as I see in my sister and myself. They just made me laugh and it was kind of a breath of fresh air to see that my girlfriend has a big heart for people most important to her.

Well continuing with Friday, Alix and I just talked, listened to the Mayday Parade cd over and over again. We cuddled and just enjoyed being around eachother, I mean there was a couple of times during the night where Alix got pissed off over stuff that I would be pissed about too if I was in her position but even though she got pissed off, I realized that in a weird way I can calm her down and just kind of get her mind off the bullshit that fills her life sometimes. Maybe because she knows that I will not give her anymore crap, but I'll just help her clean it up cause shit stinks. But on a even better note, we stayed up to late and woke up at 6 in the morning and went ice fishing with Mac and Alix's dad.

But the rest of the weekend was just total bliss and fortune. I can seriously say that it was definatly nice to be around the old and the new people that make me the happiest.

One Week

"Not the gum drop BUTTONS!"-Gingerbread Man (Shrek)

So, today it's been a week of having Alix as my girlfriend and I know "Big Deal" and I am not making a big deal about it but at the same time it is because that means it's been a week of getting to know her and spending time with her, and I have to admit, I love it. I think so far my favorite part of our relationship is the abilities we have in making a conversation the most enjoyable, funniest thing in the whole world like we were talking about Shrek one day and what our favorite characters were and our favorite parts and quotes and ever since that we have probably talked about the movie Shrek almost everytime we see eachother or the other day we talked about what we would say if someone broke into our house and dude I got to say that was hilarious.."Hey, you can take the trash can, just take all of it, everything in it and everything and also take my alarm clock, that damn thing wakes me up anyways"....lol right?..but even though these conversations are random and crazy we enjoy them, we enjoy eachother.

But yeah, A couple day ago I heard Alix sing, because she was in the mood to sing I guess and well all I have to say is she is DAMN good, like she was singing along with Hey Monday's song 6 months and to be honest, I liked listening to Alix more than I liked listening to the actual lead singer of that band. Like at one point I just closed my eyes and listened and just really enjoyed that Alix had a talent better than most people I have heard. To be honest I have been around singers my entire life because my sister is a singer and so I know what I think is good and who I think is good and Alix is good.

So aside from spending time with Alix and enjoying every minute of it. I have been concerned with Jason, he's been sad latly and I am not one to judge someone on how people deal with their problems but I am concerned with Jason because he has been numbing is sadness and not really dealing with it. I just love the kid to much to let him dull his sadness and not have him deal with it. But like I said I am not one to judge at all because we all have our own ways of dealing with our emotions it just thats it, that's the concern, he isn't dealing. But I talked to him and I think I have a better understanding of what is going on and I think my concerns have lightened but I still am concerned because I don't want my best buddy in the entire world to be sad.

So moving on, I am spending friday with Alix at her house and I gotta say I am excited because number 1, I get to see her envirorment and observe everyone and one of my favorite things todo is people watch and observe new surroundings, number 2, I get to see Alix, and number 3, I think it's only going to be us hanging out without friends and that is going to be fun because me and her are the people who are always surrounded with people and always doing something to the time we both have had spending alone time together has been minimum...so I am excited to see what might come out of being around her and only her. I think I may get to know her better and maybe get a better understanding of how and why Alix is the beautiful person she is. But reguardless I am excited.

The Week (That I loved) end...

"I thought I was a fool for no one....Ooo baby I'm a fool for you" -Muse


Ok, I know I update this thing almost everyday but my life is so bloggable that I cant help it. lol..but anyways.

This weekend was more amazing than I thought it would be. I got to spend all weekend with Alix which was absolutely...oh whats the word?....perfect. I also got to spend friday with friends I haven't gotten to see a whole lot of time with which it was good to see them. Friday was actually really random.

It was more random because there was no plan to our madness that night because Jason and Max were gone and those guys always have a plan. But friday was a night of learning. I learned that one of my guy friends has drama and confusion to the point to drowning. I also learned that my chick friend who I have aways known to be relatively confident in knowing who she is, is having second guesses on her sexuality and wants to see what it would be like to be with a girl. Which is cool she is opening herself up to the possiblility but at the same time it is almiost a shocker. But I am looking forward to seeing how that turns out. I also learned and observed that on of my best friends who shall remain nameless is getting closer and closer to this girl who has gotten her imagination sparked into a whole new world. But thats all I am going to say.

But saturday I think was better because not only did I get to see Alix for a second time, she looked amazingly beautiful in her new flannel shirt and black skinny jeans and Jason, Max, and Molly where all hanging out and doing our own thing. But like on friday, saturday was a night of learning and it was mostly about my girlfriend. I learned that when she is not completly sober she is probably the funniest person in the world. Like ok me, Alix and Nina were sitting in my living room talking and laughing and I realized that the reason why I was laughing was because Alix was the one doing it, just it was amazing the thing she came out of her mouth that made me laugh so hard to the point of losing my breath. Also I learned as I watched my girlfriend slap Nina in the face (I keep replaying that in my head...it was so funny) that she was exactly the right person to be in my life, like she balances me out really well..idk why watching Aliz slap Nina in the face made me realize that but it did. I actually obseved a shit ton of stuff over my weekend, like always but It was all good things.

I also came to terms with myself that I hope so much that me and Alix work out. I hope we last long time because seriously I am tired of the one week or one month deals, I want the long haul of committment and happiness. Thats my thoughts on it at least

But I will stop rambling....

I Have to Say....

So last night (1/8/10) may have been one of the better nights of my life I mean seriously because not only did I get to spend time with Alix, I also got to really evaluate my emotions towards her and from what I have evaluated, I like her a lot. I don't get it though. I spent so long bashing relationships and saying how that love is something that you always have to make sacrafices on life for, but I am starting to see it the other way, you don't have to make sacrafices on life in order to love or like someone.

Mine and Alix's relationshp kind of reminds me of Shane and Carmen from the L word. I mean I am more like Shane in the instance that I don't do relationships but sometimes there is just that one girl who just comes along and changes it all. Alix is a lot like Carmen because she is someone not afraid to be in relationships and she is also a really good girlfriend in the process and also one thing that the character Carmen and Alix have in common is that they both are people who can stand on their own two feet without having someone do it for them. Which is one of my favorite aspects of Alix.

But I don't know, I just have a good feeling about Alix, a really good feeling. I am going to hang out with her tonight, which makes me happy and excited.

But anyways, I got to watch "500 Days of Summer" yesterday (1/8/10) at Jason's house and that movie was really good but at the same time it made me really angry maybe because here is this guy full and willing to be with this girl. He loves her and he is willing to be all he can be for her and then here is this girl who just doesn't do relationships and just says that her and this guy are "just friends"

but what made me mad about this movie is that it reminded me of my ex girlfriends Johnna and Abby because Johnna was disfuncional and fickle like this girl in the movie and Abby is like this girl when it came to mix messages of one day she is all over you and then the next she isn't talking to you and then months later she is together with someone else. Which is what happens in the movie this girl ends up cutting all ties off with this guy who is hopelessly in love with her and come to find out she gets married to someone else and then at the end this guy who was all depressed and extremely upset over this girl meets another girl who seemed about 10 thousand times better. Which I could say that this movie is kind of a metaphor of my life, shitty relationships like Abby and Johnna in the beginning and then a good relationship like Alix in the end....

But enough rambling.

A New Start

Ok, Just a little background on me. I am someone who the past year hasn't been much into relationships but, last night that changed big time.
I have been talking to this girl named Alix
and needless to say she is about one of the better people out there.
She is hilarious and extremely upfront, Which is the way I am.
But we have been talking and I knew she liked me since the day she met me, Like it was that aparent that she was really into me.
But the strange thing was, I was and am into her too and that don't happen often because I am picky because I want to be around people who make me feel happy and at the same time I can make them happy too.
But so we have been texting back and forth and flirting and planning on hanging out and stuff.

WELL! one day she admitted that she wanted to date me and be my next girlfriend
and ladies and gentlemen I am someone who really has to think about things before I can make this kind of new adaption to my life and I wanted to spend some more time with Alix and ya know get to know her on a face to face term. So I told her I wasn't ready yet and maybe when we hung out next I would make a decsion based on that.

Well, last night (1/6/10) she texts me and asks if she could stop by with her friend Nina and see me and of coarse I wanted to see her, because strangely enough I missed her a lot for some reason and well she came over and we all sat around in my room and we got all cuddled up next to eachother and even though we were sitting in the room with 2 other people Alix did the one thing that I barely see anyone do anymore and thats take a half second of her attention and give it to me, now I am not an attention freak or anything but when someone who is sitting in a room with not just me takes some of their attention and puts it on me thats just one HUGE green flag.

Also I was sitting there cuddled up next to her and how I was able to talk to her and how she responded to me and how she talked backed to me and was willing to be sarcastic and be herself around me is another green flag for me also.

But ok, well sitting there with her laughing, talking and being relaxed I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend right then and there but my ass got nervous and I flaked out, so when she left I thought I'll just ask her out on friday (1/8/10) when she comes over to hang and stay the night with me. But when I want to do something I do it and I do it fast, so needless to say I couldn't wait I had to text her.

I texted her and said "ok I have 2 questions"
Alix-"what"
Me-"do you really want to be with me?"
Alix-"yeah, more than anything...why babe?"
Me-"Will you be my girlfriend, like for real?"
Alix-"aww of coarse I'll be yours"
(the converstaion goes on but you get it)

So yep moral of the story is...I have a beautiful new girlfriend named Alix...and I am happy about it.

Is he or Isn't he?

Ok, so I have a question

If you are having sex with someone and spending alone time and cuddling with them everytime you see eachother, don't you think that you would want to make this an offical relationship?..



Well needless to say I have witnessed this situation.

Poor girl crying in the hallway with her friends saying that this guy that she likes doesn't want to be with her and this guy seems like nothing is bothering him.

He says that he likes this girl but doesn't want a relationship because he is so scared of feeling any emotions because his last relationship fucked him up.

But at the same time here is this girl who has not had any steady and good relationships will still to give someone like this guy a chance.



Well what I don't understand is why can't this guy understand that he led this girl on

he woke her up in the middle of the night and started fucking her

and he pushed spending alone time with her

but here he is saying a big fat "NO" to a relationship with this girl.



But the only thing he tell her is

"we have to many mutual friends and its not about the destination, but about the journey"

What kind of bull shit is this?



Seriously I have heard some good lines from guys and girls

but this one has made top 10.



I seriously don't understand

maybe because I don't date guys and so therefore I do not know this area.

But seriously, is this guy avoiding a relationship because even though he says he likes her he just dont want the responsibility? or he is just not that into this girl and he just making it seem like it?



Answer me that

Numer 1

So, I don't really know where to start.
I mean have never done a blog before but since I have always loved to write I figured it as high time I start one.

But My name is Jude
I am one of those people who don't like to look to much into her past and loves to look at the present and my future.
For instants I have had a lot of past experiences that has made me who I am today but if I look back at it, I have the fear that maybe I will not come back.
Bt that is just me.

Personally I love to spend time with my best friends Jason, Molly, Max and Sarah
That's probably going to be the main synopsis of this blog is me and my 4 best friends
going on crazy car rides, partying and all the while trying to make something of ourselves.

But a little about myself
I am Jude
I am a lesbian
and I am someone you can grow to care for