I'm Falling

I guess it's true, I am falling, and I am falling fast.

Usually this type of stuff would scare the pants off of me but this time it isn't. I only have 2 things that I am afraid of, and thats...

1. Not being good enough

2. Losing this happiness.

Thats it, but those are two huge things.

So Friday Alix and Nina came over and stayed at my house. I didn't think I was going to see Alix because of her parents but, some how some way my baby figured out. It was really nice though to wake up from my million hour nap to my girlfriend smiling, excited to see me. It made me smile and feel like jumping in the air a shit ton when I got to see her, because honestly I thought me and Alix's streak of seeing eachother everyday was over. But all that matters is I got to see her and sleep next to her and wake up next to her....

Saturday was Alix's little sister birthday so me and Alix woke up at 6 in the morning wide awake, it was fun. Then my sister came home drunk as piss and nina and my sister both were puking but ha me and Alix just sat there in our good moods laughing at the fact that everyone around us was puking. Haha. Then we left my house and I went to Alix's house for her sister's party. It was fun going swimming and chillen in a hot box. Then we got back and had ice cream and cake and I got to meet some more of Alix's family. It was cool to meet them, even though one of her grandmas thought I was a guy, which made me and Alix laugh cause honestly I am not that manly looking. Then while all the festivities were happening out in the living room, me and Alix cooped ourselves in her room and sat and talked. Honestly it is because of the converstaion we had that made me honestly think that shit maybe Alix isn't this big iron shield and that maybe the fighter she is. isn't all, which I am glad because I was glad to see that she was able to let her guard down for 20 minutes and let me see what she holds so dear to her. It made me happy because she trusts me enough. So we just sat and chilled and wrote our quotes on her walls, ate pizza, went to the mall with Eric and went back to her house and sat with her sister and all her little friends and watched them. But while we were down there Alix asked if there was anyone that she hung with that made me feel nervous and I told her yes and she was like well besides Eric and I was like no, and then I asked her the same question and she said 2 people and I understand because I feel the same way about her and Eric but me and Alix talked about him and honestly I don't see him as much of a threat as I use to, which makes me feel more at ease. But then Alix asked me about if I find flirthing cheating and honsestly I didn't know how to answer the question because I never really thought abou t it but, after I thought about it, I don't think its cheating but it hurts my feelings, because when I have a girlfriend, I don't flirt, think, check out or even think about anyone else because they are all I want so there is no need to flirt with other people. But I don't know.

Then me and Alix got on the converstation about how so many people have lied, used and hurt me and her. Again I saw something more in Alix that I usually don't see without having to wipe away some layers of onion and that is that truely, honestly Alix just want something to be true and honest in her life and she doubts so much that I want to be that person, well she doubt me, she just don't believe me but honestly I think seeing her and how she reacts to being hurt makes me want to prove so much more that I am going to break the cycle of assholes and be someone that she look back on and think "yeah, Jude never steered me wrong, she never hurt me, she cared and liked me for who I am." and thats the truth, I do like and care about Alix exactly the way she is, I mean seriously the happiness I feel for her isn't like the happiness I have felt in anyone. I have loved before but she could potentially be a new kind of love. Also Alix admitted that would be crushed if she lost me because I make her so happy. I am not going to lie, all I wanted to do was smile at that moment but I didn't because it was a serious conversation. But It made me feel that even though we have been dating almost a month that I must be doing something right, and when she said that to me the only thing I wanted to do was give her a big kiss and wrap my arms around her and never let go but I didn't because of the 5 little 7-8 year laying on the floor. Haha.

But since that conversation we had last night its been replaying in my head what Alix said and it is making me really understand more and more how much she means to me. I really don't know what I would do if I lost Alix and I know its been almost a month but shit dude its been a month of bliss and since she came in my life has gotten better and keeps getting better the longer she is in it. I am falling for her more and more and to be honest I have had such feelings so fast for someone so quickly. Shouldn't this scare me? because it don't. But alls I know is I haven't seen Alix in 5 hours and I am losing my mind with missing her. I can't wait to give her a kiss and wrap my arms around her because thats the only safety I feel and I miss her when she isn't around me, I miss her a lot now. Alls I know is she has became my world and everything revolving around it, and I am not going to do anything to jepordize what I have with her and indeed everything I say to her and about her is everything good and its everything I mean. When I say I won't hurt her, I won't. When I say I will never do anything to make her not trust me or feel insecure, I mean it completly. I just hope she understands that I am not lying when I say these things.....