Sorry,...

I haven't blogged in a while. I have been busy with just life in general.
Update...Life is WHOA! right now. But I am happy.

I graduated high school WITH honors. I am proud of myself as the rest of everyone. At my school 2 days before graduation we have this big day in which the ENTIRE student body, parents and teachers get together in the gym and watch the seniors and remember good times in the past. You also have to choose who you're walk with down the aisle when you enter the gym and naturally I walked with my twin brother and the entire gym went ape shit when me and my brother walked in I never heard craziness like that before. It made my leaving high school better.

Graduation came and went and a few weeks later it was my open house. It was good. I got pretty drunk and everything went fine until my 2 friends got into a drunken fist fight and well needless to say It was a big crazy fiasco and friendships were broken, relationships were ended and there was a lot of confessions through it all. I wished I could go into detail but I don't think my friends would enjoy there lives told.

I got a job. I work at good ole' Mcdonalds am I stoked about it. Yeah kinda but not really. I like my childhood freedoms. But my dad said I needed to get a job and so I did what any good kid would do, I did what he said. I start very soon.

So on the girls end. I stopped talking to Alix and I did it because I needed to fix things that were going wrong in my life. She was one of the reasons and she wasn't one of the bad reason she just was a good thing that I couldn't have and it drove me insane so that's why I walked away. I talked to her recently and she said she wants to be with me again and I don't know how to approach it. I don't know. Then there is Lydia. She is a young girl who I have had a crush on for a while and well needless to say I started talking to her finally and I REALLY like her a lot. She makes me happy and I don't want to lose her out of my life EVER. She is gone for most of the summer and I miss her like crazy. Then there is Tori. Tori isn't my new girlfriend she just a friend that I like a lot and I don't know how to approach that. I have a lot in my head but I really don't feel like talking much about it.

So I am not going to college in the fall. I am going to work for a year and figure life out but I promise that I will go. I promise, promise, promise to go to college. I want to be successful and I am not going to stop from trying to be.

But I promise to start blogging more. When I can. Peace.

I am okay

Okay, I'm sorry I haven't blogged in forever. I've just been so busy with school, friends, girls and life.

So, update on school, I am leaving in 10 days. Seniors get out of school early. I got to do my senior project, which is a long presentation about myself and bullshit like that. I honestly think that they should make us do the senior presentation freshmen year because this project is based on getting to know you as a person, well why would they make us do it when we are leaving and graduating? why do they want to get to know us when we leave? its like telling someone "Hello" when actually you're saying "Goodbye" I don't know maybe I see things differently. I have my college orientation next Wednesday. I am stoked as hell. I don't know how I am going to take college but reguardless I am excited. To be honest I am happy the year is ending but when I think about the people that have came into my life this year and me leaving, it makes me sad. I mean I am in an all girl choir and I am a soprano 2 and we have 9 of us in the section and we are all really good friends and I love all of them and I hope to stay friends with every single one of them and I am the only senior and our pops concert is coming up and its like the last HURRAH! concert before the seniors leave. Well needless to say I am going to cry. I am going to cry at class day when all the seniors come to school and we have a huge assembly in front of parents and the underclassmen and I am going to cry at graduation because I will see the girls in choir, the friends I have in band, the last time I will probably see some people. I mean honestly the class of 2010 is splitting up and going our own routes on life. Some of the people that I have known ever since I was 5 will be leaving and I will probably never see them again. Bottom line I am excited to have a change of life.

Friends update. So Tym and John moved in with me. I like that they live with me because they are very easy to live with. I've gotten a lot closer to Tym and I am glad because I've been wanting to get close to Tym for a long time. Jason's birthday is today. He is 18, Finally!. Jason and I have gotten really close. I hang out with him everday. He really has because someone very special to me, he considers me one of his bestest friends now and I feel the same way. Needless to say me and Jason are set because we've known eachother for 8 years and we've work hard to get where we are. He's just been helping me through a lot. Katie and I aren't as good of friends as we use to be. I am not gonna talk details, but it kinda sucks cause I always thought I was gonna be the one to fuck up our friendship but I guess i proved myself wrong. I still love Katie as a person and a friend but I've taken a lot of emotional blows lately and she has been apart of them. It's gonna take me a minute to soak up the changes but I will adapt, I always do. Molly and Max are becoming two pretty frequent people in my life latly. Max I am hanging with more and I am beginning to really understand Max and really starting to respect him so much. Molly I am hanging with more on a one on one time. It's pretty cool, I find that I can talk to Molly and she listens. I love it. I got someone I know I can be open with. Michelle, well Michelle is amazing everyday of her life and the only thing that has changed with me and her is that I love her more. Sarah and I are becoming more like friends and less like aquaintances. I am glad. I also have made A lot of underclassmen friends. They have become some of the best people I have ever met. I don't want to leave because I will miss them.

Girls...Well, I have been busy. Alix and I are more like friends who are in love with eachother but refuse to go out with eachother. I love Alix still, very much. But I am to the point to where I worry about Aix and what she does with herself. But I am not gonna get jealous over if she dates other people cause I am sure she has she just didn't want to tell me. I am talking to my friend Dust and I like her but I cannot date her. I don't think it's a great idea. I am talking to this other girl named Alex and she is cute, outgoing, chill as hell and she makes me fell like flying. Then there is Hope. I've liked Hope for the longest time. To be honest if I could date anyone, It would be her.

Life, well I got my car and a license. I am getting a job. I am growing up and learning that I am not as bad as I thought I was

Fine, I Love You

"And with a girl as sweet as you, there is not much I cannot do, But for fall for you"-Never Shout Never, Hummingbird


Ok, so you know when I wrote that blog and said that me and Alix broke up and that I won't be typing any more blogs about me and Alix? well I lied and I know Alix doesn't read my blogs so I am saying this without fear.

I am falling in love with her. Well I am in love with Alix. DAMMIT. I can't she is my friends. But it's like I feel so happy and so complete feeling when she is around me. I don't know what has happened with my emotions. I am suppose to surpress these wants and needs to admitt that YES! I do have feelings for Alix still. A LOT of people have asked me "what is it about her?" and honestly I don't know, It's that fact that she is amazing in almost every way possible. She beautiful and one hell of strong person. I don't know. I probably am the only one who thinks this. I am sure, VERY sure that she don't feel the same way about me. But why do I?

I spent most of the day with her and she napped and it didnt matter to me, I was just happy she wanted to see me and the fact that she missed me enough to want to hang out with me.. This weekend I am going to go stay with Tym and John and I am taking Alix with me. I am excited I guess. But at the same times I am scared because I don't know if my feelings are going to keep growing deeper or if they are going to vanish. But I doubt they are going to vanish for a while but I know they are going to keep growing.

*Sigh* I miss her
But I shouldn't miss her this way

Fuck, why? Why does this not scare me? Why?
I know I am alone with this, I know Alix don't feel the same as I do, which is fine. But god I do love her. Yes I admitt it I love her. I love her very much and more.

I Miss You, McDonalds and Friends

Ha, So I was going to post this blog last night but I was very tired and fell asleep.

So, Friday it was pretty chill. I stayed home all night and Tym and John came over and we hung around and listened to music and talked and went riding around Flint. I gotta admitt that driving around Flint at night is pretty relaxing. But we were hanging around and then Jason and Sarah came over and we all just sat around and we ordered pizza and Jason and Sarah got Wendys and sooner or later everyone went home and I went to sleep because I had a pre-concert festival for choir the next day.

Saturday I woke up at 7 feeling really tired but I couldn't sleep anymore. I went into my brother's room and he was awake sitting with my sister on his bed and I went over and sat on the couch and talked to them and asking why they were up so early in the morning. They couldn't sleep either. Which sucked for me because I really wanted to go to sleep again. But I stayed up and then eventually went back to sleep around 10:3o and then slept until 1:30 and then I had to get up and shower up so I can get ready for my choir festival bullshit. It was from 3 to 6 and I am in an all girls choir and we have a pretty good sounding choir but our choir director is the biggest douchbag ever. I seriously dislike him with all my might. But We did good during practice and then during the performance and we fucked up really bad then we stopped the song and started again where we left off. It was discouraging. But all I have to say is that it was the biggest waste of 3 hours. But before I left to go to the pre concert festival I texted Alix and we talked and then she asked me to stay the night. I have to admitt I have been missing Alix a lot lately and it was pretty cool she wanted me to stay the night. So after the drastic performance I went over to Alix's and it was funny, EVERYONE was in the living room watching tv. Haha. I reminded me of Leave It To Beaver, Michigan edition. But I sat down next to Alix and she was painting her nails and her parents got up and her sister played mario kart, and Alix and I started talking. We talked about stuff that was going on with her and we got on the topic of her friend Hannah and to be honest I have never ever talked to Alix about Hannah before so it was kind of nice hear something about her. I am not going to say what we talked about but for some reason it made me happy and sad talking about it. Mainly because I found out that hey Alix still cares about me A LOT and the sad part is that it made me realize that the feelings I have had for Alix were still there because this whole past week I have been trying to avoid thinking about my feelings for Alix but its kind of hard because honestly I think about her all the time, and miss her all the damn time. But we talked and went on a walk through the snow and I slipped on ice and hurt my knee, god I am a dork ass. After our walk we sat on her back patio and talked for a while and while we were doing that Alix's dad was walking around and he walked past the window...well this is what happened

"Dude, I think my dad is up"-Alix

"Naw I don't hear anything"-Me

"Are you sure?"-Alix

"Yeah"-Me

*looks down at the ground and then looks up*

"And there is your father!"-Me

"Now is the time to panic"-Alix

Believe me it was a lot funnier in person. Haha but rest of the night was filled with RuPaul reality show with the drag queens. It's like America's Next Drag Queen. We also talked more and more about stuff and I pretty much figured out that me and Alix stand on the same page. We wish we could be together but we can't. Ain't that but a bitch.

Sunday was fun, but yet so uneventful but also enjoyable. Alix and I sat up at McDonalds in Howell where Nina works from 1 til 7:45. Yeah, I know that is a long ass time. But it was fun. Me and Alix listened to music, looked on the internet and laughed our asses off. It was definately a good way to spend a sunday. Specially when you get along with the person. I have to admitt the entire time I was Alix she told me many times that she missed me and that she misses me, and honestly I miss her too, more than she can understand really. I think about her alot specially during the week, because school is boring and so you sit and think and daydream all day. It just makes me feel like I am not alone in the I want you but I can't have you because of the drama senerio.

But its monday and my day was good, saw some good friends. Got to see Alix and Nina, hang with Tym and John and Katie and Travis stopped by. It's been a good day.

What a Whirl

So this past week has been pretty much cool as shit.

Monday we had yet another snow day because of the massives of amounts of ice and snow. Which was pretty cool because that meant that I had a 4 day weekend because I skipped out on Friday because I needed a break. But I ended hanging with Max, Paul, Molly and Jason. But before Molly came over, Max, Jason, Paul and I went up to Weston and played in the playground. It was crazy because there was at last 7 inches of snow covering the ground and there was no path to walk on so we all stan at the entrance of the gate and all of a sudden all 4 of us just start booking it in the snow getting our socks and shoes filled and soak with snow. Now personally I kept thinking "Holy shit, I have smoker lungs, I can't do this" then I realized that I was doing fine and that I felt great (I have realized running is such a great stress reliever). We sprint to this HUGE-MONSTEROUS metal structure with bridge, fireman pole, little random steering wheels, 4 slides and some monkey bars on it. So climb on this playground structure and we see the slides and 1 set of slides are 3 connect and Paul and Max started saying how those slides make there sides hurt because they are really narrow, then out of nowhere Jason goes "Guys go down that slide" and me and Paul were like hell no and then Max just kind of shook his head no and then Jason went down the slide. I kind of wished he would of just down the slide without having to ask any of us cause he ended up going down it anyways and it would of saved me, Paul and Max from looking like pussies. But Jason the entire time was saying dude I'll do it and its not gonna be that bad and he went down it and he was like "guys! that was a pretty chill ride you would like it" and so Max then Paul and I go down the slide indivually. It was funny I use to LOVE the swirly slides when I was younger, I am shocked I denied going down the slide to begin with. Then we all get to bottom and agreed it was a good ride. haha. But like a few minutes later we climb up this huge playground structure and Max goes over to the random steering wheels that playgrounds have and Max was like "what the fuck? why do playground companies put these on here. The playground doesnt look like a rocket or a car why should it have steering wheels?" and we all started laughing and agreed that yeah it is severely random that there are random steering wheels on playgrounds haha. But we all decided to pretend to be on a rocket and me and jason were the navigation center, Max was the commander center and Paul walked back and forth on the brige like the bald guy from Star Trek who does nothing but looks important and...well here is a quote by qoute of what happened.....

sometimes you just gotta pretend you’re aboard a spaceship.
“What’s our ETA for that ship?” -Max
“What’s an ETA?”- Jason
“Estimated time of arrival.”- Max
“OH! about 5 miliseconds…we’re going to hit them.”-Jason
”Speed ahead!”-Max
“It’s on our windshield.”-Jason
“Wipe it!”-Max
“Wiping!”-Jason
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”-Judy

Yeah, it happened. But the night ended good. Tym, John, Molly, Max and Jason came over and we sat around and chilled for a while and chatted it up.

Tuesday- I had a half day and I had a good fast day, mainly for the self inducing of uppers. But it was fun. Nice quick day. Then I came home and took a nap and got up and went to dinner with my Uncle Tom, sister and brother. Then came home and called Tym and John to come over and then soon it became that everyone came over. Max, Molly, Jason, Tym and John and it was rather amazing to finish to nights in a row with my friends just sitting around having good conversation. I wished people now a days would actually talk to eachother for once, instead of texting, phone or computer. I wished people more often would sit down on the porch, a room or at the dinner table or anywhere else and talk and talk about whatever you want. I mean I think its more personal and more knowlegable of what you can learn by talking face to face. But I don't know I like to have good conversation and I am glad that I have friends that I can sit and talk to and not have to worry about anything.

Then today at school was really good. I got all my absent homework turned in and done and got to 3rd hour art and sat with Kaylee, Brianna and Sayde and bullshitted and laughed our asses off. Then 5th hour my choir teacher had no voice so it was good to not have to hear his annoying nerdy voice for once and then I finished the day and came home and watch Cold Case and then randomly Alix called me today. It shocked the shit outta of me that she called, It was a good shock not a bad shock. But It was nice to hear from her. Cause yesterday for some reason I missd her a lot. I mean I am fine we are broken up and I my feelings are starting to lessen, but I miss hanging out with her. I really do. She fun and I consider her one of my best friends.But we talked for a minute then she had to get off, she said she would call me back but in Alix talk that means I'll call you in 5 hours or not at all. But thats fine it cool to hear from her. Then Katie and Travis came over and we all sat around and hung out and I found out that Katie and my EX-GIRLFRIEND Johnna (who I dated for 3 years of my life) hooked up a few days ago. I mean I don't really care its just..wow..didn't think that would hppen. But whatever do what you gotta do, Katie and Johnna don't listen to me anyways. But I went to mall with Katie, Travis, Paul and my niece Madison.

Alls I know is I am loving spending so much time with my friends. I mean me and Max are becoming more like friends instead of just two people in the same friend group. I actually consider Max someone I would gladly stand behind whenever he needs something. Also Molly to, I am seeing more and more that I love hanging with her and just chillen and talkinga and not really doing nothing important just being cool. But needless to say I feel my relationships with all my friend strenghtening. Which is nice. It's always nice to improve.

Bizarred to Being Enlightened

Ha, so today I had yet another snow day. It was good to wake up at 10 this morning and stretch my arms in peace.



Last night was really cool, I was laying in bed at about 9:30 (the usual time I go to sleep) and in walks Katie and Travis. Now Katie and Travis use to work for the tigers and they left me here in Flint all alone without them but I am glad to have them both back here. Travis came back about 3 months ago and Katie has been home for a only a few days but I didn't really understand how much I missed having them in my life all the time until they left and came home. But they both came into my room and I was watching Tool Academy and they both grabbed a part of my bed and made a home and we all layed there and talked and laughed. At one point Katie was laying there and she said "I missed this" and that made me realize like hey I missed this too. I like being able to have friends that I can sit and talk to without having the obligation of doing something that involves spending money or entertaining eachother. Just people who can lay in my bed and call it good enough fun for them. Eventually I drifted off to sleep and they left. I knew they would understand that I am still in school and going to bed early is a must in my life still.



The past couple days I have come to understand just how much I really do love my friends because I mean it seems that no matter what I do or how badly I have messed in present and the past I am always going to have my back bone of friends around. I mean some of my best friends I have known for a long time and only a few of my best friends I have only been with for a short amount of time but, people like Jason, Molly, Michelle, Tym and Katie who have been around in my life along time are the ones who have always stuck by me and my newer best friends like Max, John, John(Tym's bf), Travis and now Alix are the friends that I hope stick around for a long long long time because you can never have to many best friends and you can never give to much love.



So last night I had some bizarre but enlightening dreams. Well the first one was one of the those vauge types of dreams that only last for maybe 30 seconds before you wake up and it started out that I heard my sisters phone go off and for those who dont know I use my sister cell phone probably more than she does, I text my friends more than she does and well I heard it go off and for some reason I knew it was for me so I walked up to it and it was a text from Alix and I open and it read "I Love You Babe" and then I closed the phone and thats when I woke up. Now all dreams have a meaning but what the hell type of meaning is that, ever since me and alix broke up I talk to her for maybe 15 minutes and call it good cause she has her own life and I dont want to bombared her with texts and the fact that I had a dream like that was bizarre.



Well to my more enlightening dream. Ok so there is this girl I sit with in my art class and she is funny and sweet and very cool to sit an hour with and talk to. Well I had a dream I was sitting in art class next to her and she was smiling at me and I felt the smile growing on my face and I don't have any feelings for her at all but in my dream when she was smiling at me I could feel my heart racing like I had feelings for her. In my dream she was telling me a story about how her and her boyfriend broke up because she is tired of him calling her names and making her feel like shit all the time and the entire time I am listening intently and doing my work and then she stops her story and goes "we should hang out this weekend" and I looked up at her and she was still smiling at me and I could feel butterflies in my stomach and I said "sure that would be fun."
Now to clarify again I don't have a crush on this girl but for some reason I keep thinking that maybe in the near future I might. To be honest that kind of scares me in a crazy way.

Improve it

HA, Ok updating now. This past weekend was boring but brought a lot of changes.
I didn't go to school on friday because I finally found a good escuse to miss a day of school without being sick. I know thats bad. But hey I have only missed one other day this year and I am an all A student so there is no harm in that.

Thursday Katie came home. Katie is my other friend who worked and traveled with the tigers (like travis) and she came home finally. It was a nice to see her and holy shit I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her standing in my bedroom doorway. HAHA. I pretty much ambushed her with the biggest hug ever. But Thursday went from seeing a good friend to being very angry. But I will not go into why I was angry. But what I will tell you is that it resulted into me and Alix breaking up for good.

But, me and her are still friends. She sees me as one of her best friends, which was good to find out. To be honest I see her the same way. I'm not depressed that we are broken up, I am not sad and nor am I angry. I am completly happy with it because of the fact that Alix went from being someone who wasn't permanent in my life to being someone more permanent because she is my now my friend. I see friends as more permanent than girlfriends so Alix went from being temporary to being more permanent. Which is good because she is a good person to surround myself around.

So, Basically you guys wont be reading anymore blogs about my relationship with Alix because HA it doesn't exsist anymore. Now I am going to talk about my adventures and experiences I have with all my friends.

But as of finding a new relationship any time soon. I don't know. I like being happy by myself and I know I can be because shit I have always been happy by myself but finding a new relationship I am not sure it that is a possiblitly. It may but maybe not. I guess I got to see what happens or who I meet.

But alls I know is I have to tweek the list I made in Mr. Hall's class (My English Teacher) on the 20 things I do and don't want in a person. But thats the thing about life. If something fails and it doesn't kill you....improve it.

Its Been Awhile

Ha, Sorry its been since last weekend since I have blogged. I have been alittle busy.

This past weekend I had a 3 day weekend on account of president's day. Which is nice but I seriously don't think the president should get a day of his own. Non in the past and the present deserve it. Maybe presidents like Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln but thats about it.

But this past weekend was okay. More good days than bad.

Friday-I went and got Alix and we spent some time with eachother. I have to say it was nice to just spend some alone time with her because me and her have to almost dig a hole in the ground to be alone. But it was fun. Me and her got very drunk. But it was really fun. My tolerance is extremely low compared to the summer time. Me and Alix finished a fifth and we were both drunk, very drunk. It was nice though to let lose cause I had been very stressed out for about a week and a half and it was relaxing to get drunk with my girlfriend and not care about anything. Needless to say after Friday I woke up with a hang over, extremely sore and satisfied. haha

Saturday-I slept most of the day but later on in the night my best friends Max, Molly, and Jason came over and we all hung around and chilled. Everything was going good, We were all making chicken tacos and talking in my kitchen when I hear my house phone ring and I answer it asuming it was going to be for my dad but it was for me and the voice on the other end wasn't familiar to me at all and they told me that Alix was cheating on me and that she has a picture of another girl that isnt me on her myspace that says "The Girlfriend" and to be honest I was kind of put off by it because I didn't believe it because I have a lot of trust for Alix. What put me off was the fact that someone has the nerve to call me and start drama. The person wouldnt tell me who they were and they wouldn't let me call Alix and tell her about it. So eventually I hung up. But alittle background noise, Alix got her old myspace hacked so I kind of knew that it wasn't true because it was her old myspace they were describing to me but I felt that I had to tell Alix about this because Hello! its about her. So I call her and tell her and she was already stressed as it was and I knew it and I felt bad for having to lay this on her but the thing is people were causing problems and she had no idea. So I call her and I am very nervous because something in my head told me that when I tell Alix about this, that she was going to break up with me because me and Alix have alot of non self inflicted drama in our relationship, Like if me and Alix didn't always have people talking shit we would be a match made in heaven. So I called her and she sounded very down but I told her everything. Then she got off the phone with me and then called me back and said "I don't think we should be together" and when she said that my heart dropped because I knew that this was going to happen. So Alix and I talked it out and we agreed she was going to get what she wanted and we were going to break up. But I have to admit. I have been dating Alix just alittle over a month and my feelings for her are completly unconditional and completly true. I mean I pretty much am in love with her (I haven't told her yet) and so of coarse this made me extremely upset and yeah I am going to admit that even though we agreed to be friends I cried alittle because I felt like I was being punished for other peoples consequences...I felt like fucken Jesus being nailed to the cross for other peoples sins and all the while I didn't care about myself I was actually more or less crying because I was upset that yet again Alix has deal with so much bullshit. I don't get it. Why do people find talking shit and starting drama so much fun? So the rest of the night I spent shielding my urges to cry and be sad. I slept restless too.

Sunday- I got up early before everyone and I smoked a cigarette and I felt ok but I was just really full of anxiety and not to mention I was tired But I spent the whole night wakng up and going back to sleep. So I watched tv for a while and then I thought ok I will text Alix. Well I did and she was stranded in Howell and had been sitting there since 6:30 in the morning so she called me and we talked about some of the shit that had been happening and I have to admit it felt nice to hear her voice. I mean the night before when she broke up with me I knew she did it because she needed time to think and I knew that she didn't care any less. That is probably the one thing I will always be sure about when it comes to Alix, she cares about me. Then after a while we got off the phone and then Jason, Max, Molly and Sarah woke up and left. So Alix came over after being stranded in howell and she was obviously upset about alot of things so she sat dow on my bed and even though we werent dating and she wasnt my girlfriend, I still felt compelled to comfort her like I was her girlfriend. So I did just that. I hugged and helded and let her cry on my shoulder and tried my best to make her smile because even though I wasn't happy, I still wanted to make her happy. I guess thats where my friends say I am wrong when it comes to Alix. They always say that I am to selfless when it comes to Alix and I am because yeah to be honest even though our relationship has been kind of rocky I feel myself more and more falling for her. I know its not good to fall for someone youre in a rocky relationship with but at the same its not me and Alix making the reationship rocky. But I succeeded in making her smile and making her feel better. Alix left after while and when she was on the road to home she called and said that I made her feel a lot better. I am glad that I did because I am not going to lie even though I am secure in my relationship with Alix, I like hearing that I actually do good things for her and that I have the ability to make her happy even when she isnt and that I actually can help her. Talking to her on the phone made me realize that me and Alix can have a solid relationship when other people arent instigating drama. It makes me happy and also very sad to think about because yeah even though I am falling for Alix and I do tell her that I miss her when she isn't around and how much she means to me because more and more everyday she becomes someone that I grow to care for so much, It makes me sad because I always wonder, does Alix feel the same way? I mean she isn't ;acking girlfriend wise but at the same time I am someone who always thinks that I am never good enough. But I dont know I am just beginning to realize how full filled I am ever since I have met her. I am starting to realize that she means the world and more to me. She makes me happy and like she said on Sunday when she came over. I make her happy and that she wouldnt kno what she would do if she hadnt met me. It felt nice hear it because it always lifts my spirits to know that I actually do something good for someone. But sometimes I wished that I could get Alix to not be so afraid to come to me. I have told her time and time again that I am alway going to be on her side and that she can be dead wrong but I will always be there. I just wished she trusted that. I dont know maybe latly I am beginning to understand how much I appreciate Alix and how much indeed I am falling for her. I just hope I am not the only one. So back to the story. Alix called me and said I made her feel better and then she asked if i would be her girlfriend again and of coarse I said "Omg Gladly." Then everyone came back over and we were sitting chillen and Alix came over to see me again for a second and even though she was surrounded by people she didnt like she still sat there with me and spent time with me. That ment so much to the point to were I couldnt stop hugging her. haha we hugged it out for a while before she left. After she left I layed on the couch and watched the new Tool Academy and Alix called me just to say goodnight to me and I am not going to lie that made me feel so happy, cause I missed her alot and the fact that she was the voice I got to hear before I went to bed made me the happiest.

Monday- It was good day so far, I slept, saw Alix for a second and I kind of made her mad because I am dumb and forget myself sometimes. I hope she doesnt hate me forever....

but It is late and I have school in the morning..Goodnight.

What I've Learned and Who I Miss

I haven't posted lately and I am sorry, I have either been busy with school, friends and writing. Which is good that I am writing more because I missed it. I need to start writing and reading more because I have been slacking the past couple months on that. So far the new start of my semester at school is good. I am in a art class and I am not an art person at all. I mean I paint and make collages and do a little sculpting here and there for some stimulations but when it comes to drawing something, Ha yeah I can't do it and if I do, it looks like crap smeared on the street.

It is Wenesday and I haven't seen Alix since last Saturday. It was our one month on Super Bowl Sunday. For as weird as it may sound but it doesn't piss me off or make me sad I haven't seen Alix because I trust her, and I trust that she doesn't have to be around me all the time to make me feel secure, like I really can trust her. But I miss her a lot, I really like being around her and spending time with her. I think I said it best yesterday to my friend. "Alix is the type of person where when I am around her, all my problems and thoughts don't matter because she makes me feel so happy to the point that nothing matters." quote, unquote. I mean I don't know if I do that for her, but she really does that to me. I hope that I get to see her this weekend because it's Valentines day weekend and since I didn't get to see her on our one month it would be a good re-emburstment to see her this weekend. But who knows. Alls I know is I miss her a lot and I think thats good I have the ability to miss her when she isn't around because that just makes me see just how important she is to me. I don't know but alls I know is I want a big hug and kiss from her, that would really ease my heart a little.

Yesterday before school she called me just to tell me to have a good day. I got to say, It made my day and my smile hurt because I really loved hearing her voice and hearing something considerate from someone that I know cares about me. Also yesterday I called her to make sure she was happy and if she was ok with me and her and I was gonna wait to ask her those questions when I saw her next but I don't know exactly when thats going to be so I figured I would just ask on the phone and I think she liked that :).

You know what would really make my life right now? Seeing Alix's smile and hearing her laugh and I also want me a Marlboro Menthol or a Newport. HAHA

Today I have a snow day. Flint got almost 5 inches. Thats a shit ton for one night. I am glad we got a snow day because I needed to get some sleep and also I needed to just sit and chill and get up my own time, shower and relax without a time limit of school or having any obligations. I mean I am a get up and go type of person. I am always down to hang out and go on adventures and try new things and learn new things but sometimes I like to take my mornings slow and smell the roses and remind myself that I am still human and that sometimes I need to slow down and reflect.

But today I hung out with my friends and talked for a while and I got a bunch of new music on my Ipod. I love updating my playlist. It's nice to have new songs and discover newer music. I love music. I love reading about music. I have read a lot of books in my life, I love to read Shakespeare and some of the classics like this year I read the translated version of the Canterbury Tales and I really enjoyed it. But when I go into Barnes & Noble I either go straight to the gay and lesbian section, non-fiction/fiction, Music or History section OR I go straight to the comic books (I am a sucker for Batman). But since I have gotten older my mind has expanded and the authors that use to be my favorite aren't really anymore except for one and that is Ronald Dahl and if you don't know who he is. He wrote Matilda, BFG, Willy Wonka series and Danny the Champion of the World and many more. But I will always love Ronald Dahl's work.

Wow, this blog today is so all over the place, but it's actually kind of nice to be all over the place sometimes.

OH!, I learned a new word the other day that I really like and the word is Sublunary Lovers. It means that when love changes and matures, the lovers change and mature with it. It's basically a word that means adapting to different stages of love. haha.

Today I also learned about an artist that was born in Detroit, Michigan and his name is Ray Johnson and he did mail art. He did paintings, collages and some very unique drawings and to be honest he I found him very interesting and inspirational. He was born in 1927 and he killed himself in 1997. He was 67 years old. He killed himself in such an artist way too. He jumped into a river in New York during January and drowned to death. He Died on January 13th, 1995. I guess his death has everything todo with the number 13. Like his age 6+7=13 and January 13th. But I found him to very interesting. I think I might just end up doing more research on him. I love learning new things. I think thats what keeps me alive.

Wow, I Hate This

"Part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall"-Joshua Radin

*sighs* Tomorrow would be mine and Alix's one month, but she broke up with me yesterday. I cried, she cried, I know she cares, I care about her, she thinks she loves me, and I think I love her. But, I dont know what to do.....I just want to sit and talk it out...

We were suppose to talk today when I saw her but we couldnt because we werent one on one and she asked me to call her tonight and we would talk but I don't know. I am glad I got to see her today, I am really glad because I missed her like crazy, it felt nice to wrap my arms around her again, it really felt nice to kiss her again, it felt nice to hear her say that she missed me, and it feels good that she wants me to call her tonight.

I have so much to say but I don't know where to start. I want to tell her how much I want to be with her and that I promise to make sure that the drama and people coming in between us will stop and that I won't yell or get angry at her again and that she makes me happy and I don't want to lose her, and that I almost love her and that she makes me the happiest I have ever been, and I don't want to lose someone in my life that cares for me as much as I care for her.

But I don't know if saying that will solve anything or convince her that I am not a total piece of shit, But who knows, we may not even get any talking done tonight because we probably won't be a one on one conversation...but I don't know all I can do is hope that maybe the girl I called my girlfriend will be my girlfriend again.

Anxiety Why?

So I have a half day tomorrow and boy do I need it. But in my first and second hour we are having this guy talk to us about Tolerance and Diversity..I have one question...What the fuck are you thinking on making me sit through that..hello I am the gay kid at school..no one understands diversity and tolerance better than the gay kids...for real.

Today I hung out with Jason and Sarah and for like 20 minutes I got to see Alix. Which helped me feel better because I got into a fight with my dad today, which really sucked but I am not gonna get into details about it, It just kind of made me really sad from the already below content day I was having..

I don't what it is about me latly but for the past 3 days I have been in a daze of thoughts and questions and I don't know how exactly I am going to find the solutions or the stopping of my questions and thoughts. I've just had so much on my mind latly that my anxiety is picking up and I haven't had any anxiety feelings in a while because I have found a medium in my life that has made it tolerable to the point of non-exsistence. I think the reason why I feel the way I do is because my emotions are all arye and it won't calm down until saturday. But who knows, I don't, I wish I knew. It just seems that the only thing that helps me feel any kind of security latly is my imagination and Alix and since the past couple days I haven't a whole lot of time with Alix because there seems to be more important things happening in everyone else's lives except mine. Haha. not really.

But I don't know I hope the things in my head are only in my head, but I am beginning to think that maybe there not..and man do I wish a thousand wishes they were just in my head because then I could just vent them out and then move on but haha thats not gonna happen..but whatever, I guess all I can say is.....Welcome back Anxiety..believe me you weren't missed.

I'm Falling

I guess it's true, I am falling, and I am falling fast.

Usually this type of stuff would scare the pants off of me but this time it isn't. I only have 2 things that I am afraid of, and thats...

1. Not being good enough

2. Losing this happiness.

Thats it, but those are two huge things.

So Friday Alix and Nina came over and stayed at my house. I didn't think I was going to see Alix because of her parents but, some how some way my baby figured out. It was really nice though to wake up from my million hour nap to my girlfriend smiling, excited to see me. It made me smile and feel like jumping in the air a shit ton when I got to see her, because honestly I thought me and Alix's streak of seeing eachother everyday was over. But all that matters is I got to see her and sleep next to her and wake up next to her....

Saturday was Alix's little sister birthday so me and Alix woke up at 6 in the morning wide awake, it was fun. Then my sister came home drunk as piss and nina and my sister both were puking but ha me and Alix just sat there in our good moods laughing at the fact that everyone around us was puking. Haha. Then we left my house and I went to Alix's house for her sister's party. It was fun going swimming and chillen in a hot box. Then we got back and had ice cream and cake and I got to meet some more of Alix's family. It was cool to meet them, even though one of her grandmas thought I was a guy, which made me and Alix laugh cause honestly I am not that manly looking. Then while all the festivities were happening out in the living room, me and Alix cooped ourselves in her room and sat and talked. Honestly it is because of the converstaion we had that made me honestly think that shit maybe Alix isn't this big iron shield and that maybe the fighter she is. isn't all, which I am glad because I was glad to see that she was able to let her guard down for 20 minutes and let me see what she holds so dear to her. It made me happy because she trusts me enough. So we just sat and chilled and wrote our quotes on her walls, ate pizza, went to the mall with Eric and went back to her house and sat with her sister and all her little friends and watched them. But while we were down there Alix asked if there was anyone that she hung with that made me feel nervous and I told her yes and she was like well besides Eric and I was like no, and then I asked her the same question and she said 2 people and I understand because I feel the same way about her and Eric but me and Alix talked about him and honestly I don't see him as much of a threat as I use to, which makes me feel more at ease. But then Alix asked me about if I find flirthing cheating and honsestly I didn't know how to answer the question because I never really thought abou t it but, after I thought about it, I don't think its cheating but it hurts my feelings, because when I have a girlfriend, I don't flirt, think, check out or even think about anyone else because they are all I want so there is no need to flirt with other people. But I don't know.

Then me and Alix got on the converstation about how so many people have lied, used and hurt me and her. Again I saw something more in Alix that I usually don't see without having to wipe away some layers of onion and that is that truely, honestly Alix just want something to be true and honest in her life and she doubts so much that I want to be that person, well she doubt me, she just don't believe me but honestly I think seeing her and how she reacts to being hurt makes me want to prove so much more that I am going to break the cycle of assholes and be someone that she look back on and think "yeah, Jude never steered me wrong, she never hurt me, she cared and liked me for who I am." and thats the truth, I do like and care about Alix exactly the way she is, I mean seriously the happiness I feel for her isn't like the happiness I have felt in anyone. I have loved before but she could potentially be a new kind of love. Also Alix admitted that would be crushed if she lost me because I make her so happy. I am not going to lie, all I wanted to do was smile at that moment but I didn't because it was a serious conversation. But It made me feel that even though we have been dating almost a month that I must be doing something right, and when she said that to me the only thing I wanted to do was give her a big kiss and wrap my arms around her and never let go but I didn't because of the 5 little 7-8 year laying on the floor. Haha.

But since that conversation we had last night its been replaying in my head what Alix said and it is making me really understand more and more how much she means to me. I really don't know what I would do if I lost Alix and I know its been almost a month but shit dude its been a month of bliss and since she came in my life has gotten better and keeps getting better the longer she is in it. I am falling for her more and more and to be honest I have had such feelings so fast for someone so quickly. Shouldn't this scare me? because it don't. But alls I know is I haven't seen Alix in 5 hours and I am losing my mind with missing her. I can't wait to give her a kiss and wrap my arms around her because thats the only safety I feel and I miss her when she isn't around me, I miss her a lot now. Alls I know is she has became my world and everything revolving around it, and I am not going to do anything to jepordize what I have with her and indeed everything I say to her and about her is everything good and its everything I mean. When I say I won't hurt her, I won't. When I say I will never do anything to make her not trust me or feel insecure, I mean it completly. I just hope she understands that I am not lying when I say these things.....

Almost

I haven't blogged much this week, and It's not because I've been busy..ok well I've been busy.
But it's Friday and that means its the weekend and DAMN am I happy for it to be here. For some reasons my weekends are just the highlights of my life. Maybe because I am in school and school drags on to long for me now a days. But I got my grades back from this past semester and its was 3 A's, 2 A-'s and 1 B and I am pretty damn proud of myself.

So, Alix, sweet sweet, cute, adorable, beautiful in everyway Alix. If you haven't figured it out, I have come to more conclusions with me and her and the conclusions are she is the best girlfriend I have ever had. I have never met someone who honest to God accepts me for everything I am. I mean seriously, she finds me perfect in everyways and honestly I find her perfect in everyway. Her blunt honest truths, her whitty personality that always has me laughing.....just everything, starting from the inside to the outside. I mean I can honestly see why almost every person that crosses paths with Alix just falls for her. I mean seriously more and more everyday I fall for her, and usually something like this scares the living shit outta of me but not this time, this time I am trusting my emotions and trusting her and I trust that falling for someone is maybe what I need to realize that I am good enough for someone because I am far from insecure, I am not a jelous, controlling bitch who has to be up someones ass 24/7 but I have had only one insecurity my entire life and I don't know where it originated from but its that fact that I never think that I am good enough for anyone, especially my girlfriends, I always think that they can find better. I think the same way with Alix, because it blows my mind away that she thinks I am perfect and I think it blows her mind that I think the same of her too. But honestly I do find Alix to be the best thing that has happened to me in a very long long time. I think that maybe I could fall in love with her, Actually I know I can fall for her. But I am not going to be like the millions of teenagers who say "I love you" the first 2 hours of dating...I am going to make sure that me and her are on the same page before either of us say it. But as of right now me and Alix know we really really like eachother.

Honestly I don't know what I would doing if me and Alix didn't meet. Truth be told, I don't think would be this happy. Alix has become my world and I never say that about any of my girlfriends but she has become my world.

"Baby You Might Want To Scootch Over"

So I had another 3 day weekend because we had exams all last week at school, which I am sure i did good on, but thats besides the point.

So, Friday I had a half day so I went home and pretty much slept until Alix and Nina came and got me because I was staying at Alix's house and it felt nice to have it be just me and Alix for a night without any friends or obligations breathing down our necks, it was just us, talking, cuddling, laughing and just relaxing. We watched the L word for a while but soon Alix fell asleep on my chest and it was so cute to see her all snuggled up on my chest sleeping, it just wanted to kiss her face a million time but I didn't because it would of woke her up and I didn't want to wake her up because she looked way to peaceful. But soon after after I fell asleep and woke up at 8:30 in the morning. But I have to say even though Alix is still a relatively a new girlfriend it usually takes me along time to get use to sleeping, and being around my girlfriends families but with Alix and her family I don't have that problem. Like I feel fine cuddling up next to Alix and going to sleep without a single feeling of awkwardness. It's cool.

Saturday was more eventful but not as enjoyable because me and Alix both felt awkward and for reasons that I am not going to speak of but it wasnt because of eachother it was from outside influences. But we went to a bowling tournament and the mall and well just everywhere. But it was kind of good at one point because me and Alix got to talk about the drama thats been happening with Alix and my ex gf Johnna. Background on me and Johnna, we dated for 2 in a half years, and she controlled, hurt, broke and did everything bad you could possibly do to someones emotions and well Johnna has been starting bullshit with Alix and I am sorry but I don't like it when anyone starts drama but I especially dont like it when its with my girlfriend. But me and Alix got to talk to eachother about the situation and its because of that conversation that it made me realize how important I am to Alix and it also made me feel and realize just how important alix has become to me, like I feel like no matter what happens I feel like Alix is going to be on my side and just the same with me, I am always going to be on Alix's side because there is no way I will let anyone come in and start shit with my gf and get away with it and especially since its my ex, that just makes me even more frusturated because I am not going to let my ex walk all over my gf just because she dated me first, I really don't care who was there first, Alix treats me better than Johnna ever could and there is no way I would ever want to go back to someone like Johnna, my feeling for her vanished the day I realized that the years we dated were nothing but disfunction, and besides there isnt anyone else I want to be with other than Alix because all she has done since she has came into my life is make me the happiest person in the world. But anyways its because of that conversation we had that just makes me feel even more that Alix and I could go far and beyond. But saturday ended well, I got to for the 3rd night in a row (cause Alix stayed at my house on Thursday as well) to sleep next to my baby. It makes me so happy to go to sleep and wake up next to her. It just makes me feel like I don't have to be alone again.

But, today I just slept and hung out with friends and got to see Alix, and I don't it's getting to the point with me and her where me and her miss eachother even after minutes after seeing eachother. I hope this feeling doesn't go away.

A quck goodnight

So, ok I have to full conclusions

I am going to spend a long time with Alix and you know something like this would scare me but it doesn't. I feel as fearless as the day I was born.

I am happy and extremely satisfied with everything.

I wouldnt hurt Alix and she wouldn't hurt me and for some reason I trust her. So Needless to say..
I am sitting here with this last remaining thought for the day and I am thinking that maybe for once I have found a girl who really REALLY cares about me and in return I really REALLY care about her and I am not going to do anything to lose Alix and I will do what I can to make her happy in everyway..no matter what...

"Woof, Coof, Foof"

So, let me ask. Have you ever had a weekend that just was so full of happiness and excitment that you know you will remember for the rest of your life?

Well, I had one of those weekends just this past one.

Now I am not going to reveal crazy details because what stays in my circle never leaves my friend circle. But all I can say is Oh My GAWD! what a great weekend, and its even more perfect at the fact that its exams at school this week. I needed a weekend of greatness and I got it.

Ok so updating on how I was excited to see what it was like to be around Alix in her envirorment (her house). Well, a lot of things make sense. I got to meet her family get to know what she sees and what she lives like. Well one of the better parts of Friday was getting to know Alix's little sister Mac. I really got see what kind of relationship that Alix and her little sister have in real life. Like I have heard stories and seen crazy pictures of her sister with pretzel piercings but that doesn't compared to actually seeing it. It made me happy to see Alix happy around someone that wasn't me or her friends but one of her family members. It kind of reminds me of me and my older sister's relationship. Which made me happy that there is one more thing that me and Alix have one more thing we have in common. One more thing we can relate to. Which is cool because I have dated a lot girls who were either an only child or they just weren't close to thier siblings at all. But I just saw some what of the same bond in Alix and Mac as I see in my sister and myself. They just made me laugh and it was kind of a breath of fresh air to see that my girlfriend has a big heart for people most important to her.

Well continuing with Friday, Alix and I just talked, listened to the Mayday Parade cd over and over again. We cuddled and just enjoyed being around eachother, I mean there was a couple of times during the night where Alix got pissed off over stuff that I would be pissed about too if I was in her position but even though she got pissed off, I realized that in a weird way I can calm her down and just kind of get her mind off the bullshit that fills her life sometimes. Maybe because she knows that I will not give her anymore crap, but I'll just help her clean it up cause shit stinks. But on a even better note, we stayed up to late and woke up at 6 in the morning and went ice fishing with Mac and Alix's dad.

But the rest of the weekend was just total bliss and fortune. I can seriously say that it was definatly nice to be around the old and the new people that make me the happiest.

One Week

"Not the gum drop BUTTONS!"-Gingerbread Man (Shrek)

So, today it's been a week of having Alix as my girlfriend and I know "Big Deal" and I am not making a big deal about it but at the same time it is because that means it's been a week of getting to know her and spending time with her, and I have to admit, I love it. I think so far my favorite part of our relationship is the abilities we have in making a conversation the most enjoyable, funniest thing in the whole world like we were talking about Shrek one day and what our favorite characters were and our favorite parts and quotes and ever since that we have probably talked about the movie Shrek almost everytime we see eachother or the other day we talked about what we would say if someone broke into our house and dude I got to say that was hilarious.."Hey, you can take the trash can, just take all of it, everything in it and everything and also take my alarm clock, that damn thing wakes me up anyways"....lol right?..but even though these conversations are random and crazy we enjoy them, we enjoy eachother.

But yeah, A couple day ago I heard Alix sing, because she was in the mood to sing I guess and well all I have to say is she is DAMN good, like she was singing along with Hey Monday's song 6 months and to be honest, I liked listening to Alix more than I liked listening to the actual lead singer of that band. Like at one point I just closed my eyes and listened and just really enjoyed that Alix had a talent better than most people I have heard. To be honest I have been around singers my entire life because my sister is a singer and so I know what I think is good and who I think is good and Alix is good.

So aside from spending time with Alix and enjoying every minute of it. I have been concerned with Jason, he's been sad latly and I am not one to judge someone on how people deal with their problems but I am concerned with Jason because he has been numbing is sadness and not really dealing with it. I just love the kid to much to let him dull his sadness and not have him deal with it. But like I said I am not one to judge at all because we all have our own ways of dealing with our emotions it just thats it, that's the concern, he isn't dealing. But I talked to him and I think I have a better understanding of what is going on and I think my concerns have lightened but I still am concerned because I don't want my best buddy in the entire world to be sad.

So moving on, I am spending friday with Alix at her house and I gotta say I am excited because number 1, I get to see her envirorment and observe everyone and one of my favorite things todo is people watch and observe new surroundings, number 2, I get to see Alix, and number 3, I think it's only going to be us hanging out without friends and that is going to be fun because me and her are the people who are always surrounded with people and always doing something to the time we both have had spending alone time together has been minimum...so I am excited to see what might come out of being around her and only her. I think I may get to know her better and maybe get a better understanding of how and why Alix is the beautiful person she is. But reguardless I am excited.

The Week (That I loved) end...

"I thought I was a fool for no one....Ooo baby I'm a fool for you" -Muse


Ok, I know I update this thing almost everyday but my life is so bloggable that I cant help it. lol..but anyways.

This weekend was more amazing than I thought it would be. I got to spend all weekend with Alix which was absolutely...oh whats the word?....perfect. I also got to spend friday with friends I haven't gotten to see a whole lot of time with which it was good to see them. Friday was actually really random.

It was more random because there was no plan to our madness that night because Jason and Max were gone and those guys always have a plan. But friday was a night of learning. I learned that one of my guy friends has drama and confusion to the point to drowning. I also learned that my chick friend who I have aways known to be relatively confident in knowing who she is, is having second guesses on her sexuality and wants to see what it would be like to be with a girl. Which is cool she is opening herself up to the possiblility but at the same time it is almiost a shocker. But I am looking forward to seeing how that turns out. I also learned and observed that on of my best friends who shall remain nameless is getting closer and closer to this girl who has gotten her imagination sparked into a whole new world. But thats all I am going to say.

But saturday I think was better because not only did I get to see Alix for a second time, she looked amazingly beautiful in her new flannel shirt and black skinny jeans and Jason, Max, and Molly where all hanging out and doing our own thing. But like on friday, saturday was a night of learning and it was mostly about my girlfriend. I learned that when she is not completly sober she is probably the funniest person in the world. Like ok me, Alix and Nina were sitting in my living room talking and laughing and I realized that the reason why I was laughing was because Alix was the one doing it, just it was amazing the thing she came out of her mouth that made me laugh so hard to the point of losing my breath. Also I learned as I watched my girlfriend slap Nina in the face (I keep replaying that in my head...it was so funny) that she was exactly the right person to be in my life, like she balances me out really well..idk why watching Aliz slap Nina in the face made me realize that but it did. I actually obseved a shit ton of stuff over my weekend, like always but It was all good things.

I also came to terms with myself that I hope so much that me and Alix work out. I hope we last long time because seriously I am tired of the one week or one month deals, I want the long haul of committment and happiness. Thats my thoughts on it at least

But I will stop rambling....

I Have to Say....

So last night (1/8/10) may have been one of the better nights of my life I mean seriously because not only did I get to spend time with Alix, I also got to really evaluate my emotions towards her and from what I have evaluated, I like her a lot. I don't get it though. I spent so long bashing relationships and saying how that love is something that you always have to make sacrafices on life for, but I am starting to see it the other way, you don't have to make sacrafices on life in order to love or like someone.

Mine and Alix's relationshp kind of reminds me of Shane and Carmen from the L word. I mean I am more like Shane in the instance that I don't do relationships but sometimes there is just that one girl who just comes along and changes it all. Alix is a lot like Carmen because she is someone not afraid to be in relationships and she is also a really good girlfriend in the process and also one thing that the character Carmen and Alix have in common is that they both are people who can stand on their own two feet without having someone do it for them. Which is one of my favorite aspects of Alix.

But I don't know, I just have a good feeling about Alix, a really good feeling. I am going to hang out with her tonight, which makes me happy and excited.

But anyways, I got to watch "500 Days of Summer" yesterday (1/8/10) at Jason's house and that movie was really good but at the same time it made me really angry maybe because here is this guy full and willing to be with this girl. He loves her and he is willing to be all he can be for her and then here is this girl who just doesn't do relationships and just says that her and this guy are "just friends"

but what made me mad about this movie is that it reminded me of my ex girlfriends Johnna and Abby because Johnna was disfuncional and fickle like this girl in the movie and Abby is like this girl when it came to mix messages of one day she is all over you and then the next she isn't talking to you and then months later she is together with someone else. Which is what happens in the movie this girl ends up cutting all ties off with this guy who is hopelessly in love with her and come to find out she gets married to someone else and then at the end this guy who was all depressed and extremely upset over this girl meets another girl who seemed about 10 thousand times better. Which I could say that this movie is kind of a metaphor of my life, shitty relationships like Abby and Johnna in the beginning and then a good relationship like Alix in the end....

But enough rambling.

A New Start

Ok, Just a little background on me. I am someone who the past year hasn't been much into relationships but, last night that changed big time.
I have been talking to this girl named Alix
and needless to say she is about one of the better people out there.
She is hilarious and extremely upfront, Which is the way I am.
But we have been talking and I knew she liked me since the day she met me, Like it was that aparent that she was really into me.
But the strange thing was, I was and am into her too and that don't happen often because I am picky because I want to be around people who make me feel happy and at the same time I can make them happy too.
But so we have been texting back and forth and flirting and planning on hanging out and stuff.

WELL! one day she admitted that she wanted to date me and be my next girlfriend
and ladies and gentlemen I am someone who really has to think about things before I can make this kind of new adaption to my life and I wanted to spend some more time with Alix and ya know get to know her on a face to face term. So I told her I wasn't ready yet and maybe when we hung out next I would make a decsion based on that.

Well, last night (1/6/10) she texts me and asks if she could stop by with her friend Nina and see me and of coarse I wanted to see her, because strangely enough I missed her a lot for some reason and well she came over and we all sat around in my room and we got all cuddled up next to eachother and even though we were sitting in the room with 2 other people Alix did the one thing that I barely see anyone do anymore and thats take a half second of her attention and give it to me, now I am not an attention freak or anything but when someone who is sitting in a room with not just me takes some of their attention and puts it on me thats just one HUGE green flag.

Also I was sitting there cuddled up next to her and how I was able to talk to her and how she responded to me and how she talked backed to me and was willing to be sarcastic and be herself around me is another green flag for me also.

But ok, well sitting there with her laughing, talking and being relaxed I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend right then and there but my ass got nervous and I flaked out, so when she left I thought I'll just ask her out on friday (1/8/10) when she comes over to hang and stay the night with me. But when I want to do something I do it and I do it fast, so needless to say I couldn't wait I had to text her.

I texted her and said "ok I have 2 questions"
Alix-"what"
Me-"do you really want to be with me?"
Alix-"yeah, more than anything...why babe?"
Me-"Will you be my girlfriend, like for real?"
Alix-"aww of coarse I'll be yours"
(the converstaion goes on but you get it)

So yep moral of the story is...I have a beautiful new girlfriend named Alix...and I am happy about it.

Is he or Isn't he?

Ok, so I have a question

If you are having sex with someone and spending alone time and cuddling with them everytime you see eachother, don't you think that you would want to make this an offical relationship?..



Well needless to say I have witnessed this situation.

Poor girl crying in the hallway with her friends saying that this guy that she likes doesn't want to be with her and this guy seems like nothing is bothering him.

He says that he likes this girl but doesn't want a relationship because he is so scared of feeling any emotions because his last relationship fucked him up.

But at the same time here is this girl who has not had any steady and good relationships will still to give someone like this guy a chance.



Well what I don't understand is why can't this guy understand that he led this girl on

he woke her up in the middle of the night and started fucking her

and he pushed spending alone time with her

but here he is saying a big fat "NO" to a relationship with this girl.



But the only thing he tell her is

"we have to many mutual friends and its not about the destination, but about the journey"

What kind of bull shit is this?



Seriously I have heard some good lines from guys and girls

but this one has made top 10.



I seriously don't understand

maybe because I don't date guys and so therefore I do not know this area.

But seriously, is this guy avoiding a relationship because even though he says he likes her he just dont want the responsibility? or he is just not that into this girl and he just making it seem like it?



Answer me that

Numer 1

So, I don't really know where to start.
I mean have never done a blog before but since I have always loved to write I figured it as high time I start one.

But My name is Jude
I am one of those people who don't like to look to much into her past and loves to look at the present and my future.
For instants I have had a lot of past experiences that has made me who I am today but if I look back at it, I have the fear that maybe I will not come back.
Bt that is just me.

Personally I love to spend time with my best friends Jason, Molly, Max and Sarah
That's probably going to be the main synopsis of this blog is me and my 4 best friends
going on crazy car rides, partying and all the while trying to make something of ourselves.

But a little about myself
I am Jude
I am a lesbian
and I am someone you can grow to care for